Session Zero Heroes - A TTRPG Actual Play Podcast
Speaker A: Hello weary traveler, I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here, but you have stepped into a realm of my creation, a sprawling city filled with danger and glory and, most importantly, lots of gold.
Speaker B: Out.
Speaker A: I call it Ilanumis. Who am I, you might ask? M the name is Jargon, and I'm the patron deity of gambling. Long story short, this group of idiots, or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me that they had what it took to make a mass trove of gold, but left some of the key details blank. So I fill them in myself. I send them to this pocket dimension, into the city I had created with brand new bodies they'd have to attune to. Can these fools pass my test? Or will they be trapped, uh, here forever? So, experience, um, my world of trials and tribulations and join alongside this posse of pitiful people. Or as I like to call them, the criminals of Isla Numis.
Speaker B: Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of our D D podcast, the, uh, Criminals of Isla Numis. Ah. Uh, nailed it on the first go. Look at that. Look at me go. Um. Ah. We still are kind of unsure of what our little, like, intro bit will be, or if we're going to do an intro bit. But whatever the case, welcome back to another episode. Um, I'm here with Cameron. Cameron, who's your character again? Remind us. Roric. Yes. And he is a what now? He has been transformed into a goblin. A goblin? Yes. Awesome. Fantastic. Ah. Cubert. No, I'm just kidding. Not good. Fatty Lumpkin. Fatty Lumpkin over there. Shout out to Lord of the Rings. Yes, that's right. Great Lord of the Rings, I am Keto, who transformed from a druid to a fighter of, uh, what race? Uh, you're an elf before. Cobalt variety. There you go. Was an elf, now a lizard guy. Little baby lizard man. Huge improvement. Awesome. All right, across from the table for me is Jackson. Jackson, tell me a little bit about who you were and who you are. I played Des. Uh, he was a triton fighter. And now is Anku. Um, isn't he Kanku? Yeah. Not Eric Cockra. Kanku. Not Eric Cochra. That's okay. He's transformed. Does not speak, only mimics speech. That's right. Um, through things he has heard before. Right, which you have recorded. Yeah, which I have a soundboard on a really interesting soundboard. Just random shock jockey. That sounds this app that I use for it. You can just search, uh, sounds, and I just need to find the really goofy. What's that? Sound effect. Where someone's running and they trip I gotta find. Yeah, I don't know. Something along those lines. All right, awesome. To my right, at the end of the table, we got Quinn. Quinn, you are the only one that is not a transformed, previously existing character. You are your own person that already existed in this world. Tell me about yourself. I am Feather McGregor, also known as Lil Sauce, little sauce. Um, I am also a Kinku, and I speak in, uh, the voice of my fallen brother, basically my best friend, McGriddle. That's right, McGriddle. Him. That's ah, how I got. Awesome. Perfect. All right. And to my immediate right, we've got Dave. Dave here rounding out the Kinku trio, playing, uh, as Maki, formerly a human monk, rogue, who has been transformed into the body of a Kenku sorcerer. Lots of Kankus here. So we have cobalt, a goblin, and three of the Kanku Trio. Awesome. Fantastic. You guys were all thrown into a city. This is all in the intro. I don't know why I'm bringing it back up again. I kind of feel like at the beginning of every episode of Solar Opposites where he just kind of starts shouting, like, basically the intro of the actual premise of the show. I digress. You guys are all thrown into this world, transform into new bodies by some mysterious deity that you had sort of kind of met. Except for you, Quinn. Again, outside the situation, this is just normal god to you. Yeah, he just randomly shows up. Well, he doesn't show up. You just hear his voice. He's, uh, like today in the commerce last episode, you all attempted to go into a casino and really gamble away. Attempted. We made it into casino. You successfully made it into the casino, and we successfully made some money. You successfully made some money. Successfully got kicked out of the casino. Thank you, Dave. That's correct. All three things you need to do at a casino. That's right. If you're not doing all three, you're doing it wrong. All right, so kicking things off. I know what I'm doing this weekend. There you go, kicking things off. You guys are standing immediately outside of the casino. You've just been very, uh, sternly, ah, asked to leave and sort of guided to the exit door from which you were pushed out of. And there you stand in the sunlight of, um, the almost. Sorry about the hiccups of the almost noon hour, um, and the bustling streets surround you. All right, little sauce, where's the next casino? Wow. I'm not exactly sure. I really don't get around that much, but I think it might be over. That way you can ask the locals. Locals will know. But you are a local. Yeah, but I don't go around everywhere. I don't have some sort of gambling problem. Weren't we going to go to the tavern? Yeah. I still haven't had a drink yet. I specifically remember saying we were going to the tavern last. I remember. Then we can go spend all of your hard earned. Was it six gold? Eight. Oh, sorry. I, uh, got six gold. That's right. Off to the tavern. Uh, lead the way. You allow Feather McGregor to lead you over to the nearest tavern, which is not far away. Bars and taverns. Never far from a casino. And, uh, you come across one. You come across a tavern called a drizle, uh, of fizzle. Uh, you see a man step out, and he has a potion in his hand, and he drinks. It's like a yellow fizzy potion, uh, in a bottle. He takes a sip, and all of a sudden, he grows 3ft taller, and he ha. And he starts to walk away, feeling very full of himself in his new heightened form. Uh, Maki rubs his eyes and says, did you guys see that, too? Sorry. I was trying to read the sign. Oh, I know that's tough for you. You would think, new body. I could be able to read. No, still can't. Uh, as you guys are standing there chatting with each othEr, a wagon starts to slowly make its way past you. And then all of a sudden, you see it hit a rock, and the wheel snaps in a section of it. And, uh, there's a little gnome that's driving this. It's pulled by two mules. And the little gnome with his, uh, he's got a straw coming out of his mouth. He's got a little whip in his hand, and, uh, he's got a big old straw hat on the top of his head. He's hauling some hay, it seems. And he goes, ah, dang it. And he runs over. He looks at the wheel and he goes. He runs into very tavern you stand outside of. And a couple of seconds later, he comes out with a fizzy red potion. He takes a sip, he walks over, puts it into his cart, walks over to the wheel, lifts the entire cart, uh, up off the ground, and starts to repair the wheel with one hand while he holds the cart up with the, uh, other. Look at this guy. What kind of sauce they got in that sauce? Little, uh, sauce. I don't come here very often, but, uh, I'm interested to find out. You guys want to go in? Yeah, sure. I'll come in. All right, you guys step inside. You find not too many people are inside right now. It's only about noon. And not a lot of people drinking during the day, necessarily. Um, there's a woman that's running the bar. Uh, she seems like she's got a mortar and pestle and she's, like, mixing some things together, crushing them up, uh, inside this mortar pestle, mixing them with some other things and whatnot. And eventually, she turns around. She's got a big old jug of something. She dumps it into, um, what looks to be a series of glass, um, jars with sort of like a spigot on each one of them. Um, they're all various colors. Some of them are green, some of them are blue, some of them are red. Uh, some of them are yellow. They're all kind of fizzly as if by some sort of mysterious heat source.
Speaker C: Is keeping it, like, almost bubbling.
Speaker B: And, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Boiling. Uh, she pours this into one of them that's looking a little bit low. And sure enough, it fills up. Uh, I believe it'd be the Red one. And, uh, she turns towards you and she's like, oh, welcome that. Come on into the drizzle of fizzle. What can I get you? My friend here has been, uh, looking for a drink for a while. Sorry, what was that? Give him a beer. A, uh, beer. Two beers. All right. Yeah, give me two beers. That's even better. Total of three beers. Unless you want a third one. I want one. All right, so a total of four beers. I'll take one of those colored drinks that they were running out with outside. Oh, sure. Which one would you like? What options are there? Yes, well, we've got plenty of potions. You could get a potion of strength, a potion of invisibility. A potion of. Let's see. What did I just tell them? Oh, yes. A potion of enlargement. Yes, the men always seem to go for enlargement. Uh, is this a topical potion or, uh, do you just drink it? What do you mean by topical? The localized effect, perhaps? Uh, yes. These are short term effects to this site of action. My beak. Longer. Okay. I will say the enlargement potion it will make just about everything on you. Larger. Oh, my m nose. And everything else. My ear. That would be included. Left foot. Absolutely. What's that green one? Oh, yes, the green one. Once I pull, um, up Dnd beyond, I can tell you all about what that green one's all about. Not local. Got it. What's that beer colored one. Oh, yeah, that one right there. That's a real special one. That is beer. Perfect. Slide those over. And I pull out a payment for the beers. All right, so she slides out, if I, uh, remember correctly, total of four beers. Two for Dave, one for, uh. Or, sorry. Two for Maki, one for Roric, and one for Pumpkin's character. I don't think I had ordered one yet. I was just inquiring about the. That's right. That's right. You did ask for one. Okay, so she slides on over. Yes. Accidentally, I guess. He was ordering one for Maki, but she counted it for him. Sorry. Uh, it's two gold. Two gold pieces. I'm new to this, uh, bird body, so I just dip my beak and just swash around. It's a mess. Beer is Everywhere. Oh, goodness. Is it two gold per or one? No, just two gold total. Oh, total for all four. For all the beers? Yeah. So it's like half a gold of beer. Uh, wait. I know one person who's got all that money. Mafia already put the money on the table. He's already half finished one drink. He's putting the money on the bar as he's downing the first beer. Uh, Maki's back. How much do one of them funky potions run, anyway? Well, it depends which one you want. For what you were asking about, sir, the green one, does it turn him into a goblin? No, it's a potion of diminution, gazoo type. Diminution. Diminution? Yeah, it makes you smaller. Uh, potion of Jimmy Neutron. Oh, Jimmy Neutron. I know him. He's my cousin. You were asking about the dark green one, right? There's also a light caught my eye. Oh, yes. That's the potion of diminution. But if you want the light green one, that's a potion of gaseous form. It'll make you gassy. Is that really all it does? Well, in a sense, absolutely. I'll take one of each. Okay. One of each. Money bag for here to go. To go. Shouldn't you be saving your money? For what that God guy called a level up, quote unquote. Don't really know what that was. What are you guys talking about? That God guy. We told you about him already. Guy in the sky told us that body swapped. Have you ever seen that movie, uh, Friday. Lindsay Lohan? Uh, Maki, just to clarify, there is a long line of glass jars with spigots on them? You said one of each. No, the two she mentioned. Oh, gaseous form. And the two green ones. Sorry. And then clarify for me. When she said for here to go, how did you respond to go? Okay, what's the difference? There's one coming like a mug, and the other one comes in the glass jar. Okay, fair enough. Uh, why'd I ask, you know, stupid questions? It's going to cost you the left pinky. That'll be 285 gold coming in. Hold order, please. She's holding the spigot. She's got the mug under it, just about to pour. Oh, okay. Why is it so expensive? Well, they're potions, after all. I mean, to go, it's a lot more. Can I have a spree sample? How much? Here. Uh, demination. I can give you a sample for a gold. Sure. She has these tiny, little, like, thimbles. They're not even a shot glass. It's a thimble. And she walks up to the spigot, which is still pretty big. It's a shot glass for a goblin. She turns the spigot ever so slightly so that just a single drip comes out into the thimble, and she quickly twists it the other way to shut it off. She comes over, and she hands you the thimble. Uh, bottoms up. And I just quickly drink it. You, uh, shrink an inch. An inch? That's right. Oh, boy. Look at all that, guys. Am I smaller? Yeah, you're looking a little light there. White. No light. Oh, white. Do you think I can fit into a mouse hole now? Uh, depends how big the mouse is. I didn't shrink that much. How much m did I shrink? Show me. I paid a gold for that much. It's a podcast, guys. You got to speak an inch. That's good. I got ripped, uh, off. Well, you only wanted a sample. I thought it would be like the amount of time it lasts is shorter, not the. And I'm only giving you one sample because you guys are new here. How much is it for here? Well, it depends of that particular one. Well, just take his order. And how much was it for here? Yeah, I told him that was the two. That was to go Price. No, that was the for here price. No, you said it was the to go price. No, I said the to go price is a lot more expensive. It's. Give her the eye. I don't know about the service of this establishment, guys. I'm trying to run a legitimate business here. You obviously don't understand the values of potions. How many other potion taverns are there? Zero. Not even this one? We're the only. You said other. You said other. I don't know words. Well, you're learning today. There are no other, there are no other taverns that keep magical potions on tap. We're the only ones. If you, uh, are having a long day at work and you need something to really refresh you and put you back into spirits, we might have something for that. If you get beat up by some gang members, you could stop in. We can heal you up with one of our potions. If you need to get bigger or smaller or stronger or faster, you could stop on by. We'll have you ready to go with it a couple of minutes. What else is going on in this tavern right now? Um, sure. There's another woman that's also kind of working on prepping ingredients. She's chopping things or she's grinding things up. Um, or she's juicing some things, like, uh, some fruits and such. Um, otherwise, you do see various other drinks options and such like that, but it's not particularly busy. As far as people goes, there's not a whole lot of customers in here. You see maybe three individuals that are inside this tavern. Um, one of them is a really muscular dwarf with a hammer strapped to his back. One of them is a gnome who is heavily armored. And, um, then there's a bugbear, and he's not super heavily armored. He's wearing some kind of like, um, fur based armor or more like clothing almost. It's just so barely armor that you just assume it's pretty much just clothes. It's like a cloak or whatever. He's kind of overhearing you guys, and he's just chuckling to himself a little bit. That's quite an operation you got going back there. What are all those ingredients you're chopping up? Oh, all sorts of components for all sorts of different magical needs. All of these are necessary in order to make the various incredible potions that we stock here at the shop. Well, uh, you ever have any trouble supplying those ingredients? Trouble? Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Um, most of it comes in from out of the city, of course. We don't really have a whole lot that gets stocked or grown here, although a little bit does get grown based on the area and what's possible to grow around these parts. But, um, it can be a little bit tricky. There are times when we're not able to stock some of the potions that we have because we're not able to get the ingredients in that we need. So it is occasionally, uh, a problem, for sure. Why do you asK? Well, the price of your potions maybe you'd be willing to pay, uh, to supply some ingredients. To source some ingredients for you? Sure. Well, if you can bring me some, uh, samples, I'd be more than happy to, uh, take a look and see what kind of deals we could make. Well, what kind of stuff are you looking for? She kind of pauses for a moment and she kind of thinks, and then she quickly grabs a piece of paper and she starts to kind of furiously list a number of things. She's scratching down all sorts of plants and, uh, other minerals and other materials and things. Um, she hands you the list and she's like, these are the things that I, more often than not, can't get a hold of. If you ever come across any of these things, feel free to, uh, like I said, bring them my way, take a look, and there's a good chance I'd be happy to buy them off of you. Excellent. I'm a bit of a brewer myself. Not a magical brewer, but, uh, more, uh, libation type brew. Well, we do have a monthly, uh, brew that we will host based off of a local brewer. We'll sort of do a split profits thing within our store. So if you ever do develop anything and you want to bring it over, got some hops or what have you, uh, we'd be happy to stock it. There are some requirements, of course. You have to be able to have enough for us to keep it on hand, and we have to know that you're, uh, trustworthy to make us more as necessary. But again, we share the profits. You don't say. I'll keep that in mind. Absolutely. Is there, uh, anything else I can help you lot with? Des just kind of stares into her eyes. No motions, no words. Just. Is there anything I can help you with, little one? A few awkward, uh, blinks are shared. You feel free to talk when you're ready. Deep down, he wishes. He wishes he could speak all the words he wants to speak, but all that comes out is sound. He says the word sound, he just goes, sound.
Speaker C: Hey, everyone. Skyler here. Are you a fan of session zero heroes and the shows we produce or the characters involved? Then you should check out our epic merch we have available online, from shirts to stickers and everything in between. We've worked hard on creating a variety of designs and made sure to get your favorite characters on those products as well. Whether you're looking for broccoli on a hoodie to wear to the gym with you, or maybe fizzle fingers tote bag to stuff your ill gotten gains in, we've got you covered. Just head over to our website@sessionseroheroes.com, and click on our merch tab to see all the amazing products and designs that you can get. Now back to the show.
Speaker B: Um, hey, where's a fella got to go to get to see the job board? Job board. Well, I suppose it depends on what kind of jobs you're looking for. I mean, there's always the mercenary skills. I, uh, don't know. Sometimes you can just find various things around, share, just kind of post it, I suppose. Uh, just look at any posts or anything a sign is sticking out of that's made of wood sticking out of the ground. Sometimes just walls. Sometimes people put notes on those. I mean, around here in the Atlantic Heights district, sure. You'd definitely be able to find stuff like that. You won't find it in Asgardia. Mercenaries, uh, guild mercenaries. Guild. What's wrong with Asgardia? Oh, they're just very prim and proper. Over in Asgardia, you've got to get permits. I mean, honestly, I don't think anybody would even deem to put something up on a wall or a post or a board of some kind. The people over there are very well connected. If they have a job that they need done, they'll find someone to do it. Well, we've dealt with their kind before. As long as they don't wear any weird costumes. Like the last city we were in. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Those Asgardian people over there, uh, just for any kind of, uh, potential copyright purposes, is spelled ass. I was guardian. Just going to, uh, ask in character. Okay. Yeah, go for it. Okay. Uh, is that ass or ass? It is ass. Like the donkey. Bunch of rich people are going by the name Ass Guardian. And they're fine with that. She pauses for a moment and she goes, you know, I never really thought about it. No, I'm kidding. Of course, we all call them that. Behind. Well, I mean, that is what they're called, but we make jokes about it behind their backs. By jokes, you just enunciate, um, the first part a little more. Oh, you know, those rear ends or those butt guardians kind of stuff like that. It's more contextual. It's funnier in context. You're not from around here, are you? Sure we are. I feel like you would have heard those jokes we make if you were from around here. They're not good. That's why I haven't heard them. I'm sitting in the back dying. Do you see, uh, that bugbear guy, he's also kind of just losing it. The other two guys seem pretty, like, just uninterested in you guys, but that bugbear guy is getting a big kick out of the whole thing. Uh, anyways, so should we go become mercenaries? Does nods get a lot of I could do for a bit of action. There's two. That's two. Three votes. A and if we find a casino on the way, no more the Mary. What? You haven't even played a single slot. Because somebody got me kicked out. Somebody? It was your plan. I still barely know what you guys are even here for. Uh, we're here to be mercenaries. Of, uh, course. I don't know if I'm interested in that. I can help you make money. You said you wanted to make money. Yeah. What's the money for? Follow me. Okay? Follow Dev. Guys. What's the money exactly for? We can talk on the way. And we go walk. Start heading out, uh, as you guys. Wait. Did Maki finish his two beers? Did Maki finish his two beers? Almost immediately. You want to roll me a constitution save and see how you're feeling? I'll, uh, say the first beer was fine, but that second beer. Where's that? We're Golden 23. Holy cow. Ah, yeah, you downloads. You're feeling good. Just like home. Yeah, I drank mine, but only, like, half. You, uh, start to wonder to yourself, maybe this body is also just as, uh, safe against the effects of alcohol as you built up your previous body to be. Mind over math. Just the mentality of it. Yeah, maybe some techniques that you've used all about the breathing. As you guys walk out, you see the bugbear kind of flip a coin, uh, to the bartender chick, and he comes walking up behind you guys, and he says, hey, uh, you guys are pretty funny. Back there in the bar. I was just kind of overhearding some of your talking. I overheard something about you needing some work. I might have something for you if you're interested. If not, no big deal. Well, I'm not really sure. Guys, I got my sauce business. I'm just trying to help you guys out. You said you would help us out. Let's hear what he's got to offer here. It could be the job of a lifetime, M. Oh, it is. It's probably not. Uh, I offered you guys the job of a lifetime making sauce. We don't got years. We got months. I want my old body back anyway. Sir. What is it? What? Hold that thought, okay? Shut up over there. I'm just sitting there like these guys are nuts. I just want to help them make some money, and I'm kind of just with them to keep an eye on them at this point, see what's going on because they're clearly getting weirder and weirder. I don't know what's going on. That's true, that's true. Uh, they called me the Slicer. Yeah. Not my real name, but, uh, that's what I'm going to leave you with. Uh, anyways, uh, I run with a pretty tight knit group here, uh, in the city. Would I know what his name is? Would I know this guy just from around. Roll a history check. Someone to be like, dude, I know your name. Your name is, like, Brad or something. 16 plus 319. Okay, yeah. What's his name? Uh, it's not that you know his name, but you recognize the name, the slicer reputation. He's a somewhat low tier criminal here in the city, uh, who is known for kind of just general thuggery, uh, larceny, extortion, a little bit of theft, slicing. Slicing ham. Uh, he's a ham slicer. Yeah. Well, violent. Yeah, a little violent. Like just violently slicers. Well, when you're extorting people for things. So he's an extortionist. Yes, he says that. Do you say that? Do you say you have literally seen wanted posters for him that said theft, larceny, extortion and violence? How much? I just be like, Mr. Slicer, I think we're good. These guys are going to work in the. Mr. Slicer. These guys are going to work in my sauce shop. Sir, I've already claimed these employees. I understand that. I know the unemployment rate isn't very high here. Most people have jobs, but I got these ones in the back. These are covered. I don't know, I feel like slicing Ham is our superior to the sauce business. So let's hear them out. Well, ham is all year round. Ham is all year round. Yeah. I, uh, mean, I like Ham, like the next guy. I don't really know what that has to do with anything. Slice ham. No, exactly. Look, like I said, I'm part of a little bit of, let's say, a secret organization, and, uh, we, uh, all kind of work, uh, with each other, uh, for our own profit. And I, uh, got a bit of a job. But here's the thing. I kind of got to know that you guys are, well, uh, cool. I got to know that you guys can run with the big dogs like me. You came to us. Yeah. I feel like you've got the makings in. Yeah, I need to see it to believe it. What does that entail? Do we have to just wear cool sunglasses or something? Not quite that collars. Not quite that easy. Uh, I need to know that, like I said, that you guys are cool. That's the real thing here. I know that you guys look like you're capable of doing exactly what I need from you for my job, but I need to know that you'll be cool with that job. So, I mean, if you guys could prove to me that you can be cool, I think we could be in business. We could get something going here. What do you say, guys? Can we go talk about this elsewhere? Yeah, sure. Recess. Five minutes? Sure. Yeah. Uh, I'll be right over here. He sort of, like, backs up and he almost disappears into some of the shadows. Do we kind of see his silhouette there? Do we hear, like a knife sharpening? No sharpening. No slicing. He's just over there. Little aside. We just hear a woman scream from the alleyway. Just got a slice of hammer. All right. I literally know this guy. He's got wanted posters up all over the place. For how much? Uh, there's a lot of things. Theft, larceny. Larceny, extortion and violence. His name is a slicer. I think that last one's a given. I'm going to be, uh, honest. Those Hams did not see it coming. He's not slicing hams, you idiot. What do you mean he slices people? That's illegal. Yeah, so you said wanted posted. How much did he go for? That, uh, sounds like a quicker profit to me. Is there a wide poster around? Yeah, there's one right there. Yeah, you turn around and there's a pole sitting there. There's papers all over it, but one of them that sticks out, you can just see like, it's half covered with another paper, but you can see the other half of his face. And it says 150 gold pieces. That's nothing. I might as well just work for him. Wait, what? He can hear my thoughts. Why don't you guys turn him in and then you could take the 150 gold. Uh, now you're just stealing my ideas. No, dad said so. Guess we got to listen. You guys are going to make crimes. Hang on. I got one for that. Yeah. Guys, I don't think I can be a part of this. Hey, I really wish I had a too bad button feather. How much money would you say you make in prime sauce season? In prime sauce season, I probably make twelve. No, you don't. I don't even need to answer that question. Just tell your wife there's five of us. How do you like to make 200,000 gold in the next six months? Well, I mean, that sounds all nice. And I'd like to do it legally. I'm a moral code of it. Cold? Well, yeah, that's all well and good, but what's wrong with cutting some corners here and there? Not filling out the proper paperwork? In some cases, slicing people. Ham. It's ham. Okay. Pig people. Long pig. Long pork. Long pork. Dry, rub, rub, seasons. This is a bad idea. Uh, okay. How else are we going to get a million gold? Why do you need a million? I've told you multiple times. I don't think you have. We need a m million gold to get our bodies back. Your body is right here. Now, as a refresher, is that a million gold each? No, it is total collective. Unless we somehow get a million gold real quick. Um. I don't think I need to explain. Um, your body is right here. You are a little tiny goblin person. You'll never be anything else. Now that's small thinking. Okay. Wow. Yeah. I'm going to someday be a big goblin, uh, person. Maybe even own a house over in Asscrackville. So suck on that small meat. Small sauce. Uh. Boy. Well, wait. Were you born in this bag? In this bag? Yeah, that's where we're in, right? Just big old bag. It's like a pocket dimension. Pocket. Were you born in. Sorry. Pocket. Were you born in this dimension? You mean this world? Yeah, this world. He was just copying what? Uh, Mr. JarJim. Jarjim. What he said before. Yeah. Who is Jargon? Uh, the guy who runs the show for now. Your boss. Your boss, too, I guess all of our bosses. I do not know this guy. Probably your God. Quite literally a god among men. So does he come down and talk to us? No. We don't even know. You have a series of different gods that are worshipped in the city. Actually, basically, like, just like made up God. Uh, what would be really funny is if sauce was an atheist. Yeah, you tell me. If Sauce would believe in a god or not. But all things considered, there are several different gods that are worshipped in this city. And you've never heard of a Jar Jim before? I said he believes in a higher power. Maybe one of them's right. Maybe there's a whole other guy. I don't know. I had never heard of this Jim. Jar Jar. Jar. Bing. Sky. Okay, I don't want to hear of him either. Well, you know, we could just have you talk. Wait, what do you mean, talk? God, no. Guys. What? I just remembered. What? That Jar Jim guy. Jim Jar guy? Yeah. He gave us some magic stone to talk to him once a day. Once. I don't have it. Do you have it, Des? I'll shake my head. No, no, I left it. When we went running after Rourick over here. I ran off, so I don't know how I would have A stone. What do you mean, Stone? Magic stone. He talked about it. We could communicate with him, ask him one question a day. I'm just sitting here thinking, like, these guys are on drugs. These guys are insane. Talkie Rocky or something. Good. Should we go get this talkie Rocky? Probably walked, uh, off. I remember exactly where it was. Uh, you look off into the distance, and you haven't gone very far since you got into the city. But you do see, on a hill that leads away from the city, you can not. The rocks. You don't see the rocks themselves, but you do see. You do see a tree. From light that comes through, the cloud shines on. Hm. This hilltop, do I hear angels? No. There is a light that shines on this hilltop. There's a tree that's growing out of it, and you can see that, uh, the light is shining right in front of this tree. Did you perhaps leave it over there? That's definitely a trap. I know trap. I shouldn't. Go grab it. Yeah, go get it. All right. I guess I'll go off to get this walkie talkie Rocky. Okay, sounds good. So you head off, and it's a good, like, 15 minutes to get to the top of this hill. I'm just glad you get away from these. Yeah, you're processing. I feel like these guys are coming into my town. Obviously, they're shady or they're just crazy. Uh, I'm kind of keeping an eye on them. I'm probably going to end up going with them to do whatever they do, because at this point, I'm trying to supervise them and mitigate the damage. If I need to take them down, I'll take them down. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. At this point, I might make a stop on the way there. Maybe take five minutes or ten minutes to maybe stop by the, uh, quicksaw stop, headquarters. The headquarters. And kind of lay down what I've learned. All right. Uh, you walk into the headquarters, which I'll leave more or less undescribed. For future reference. Um, the boss man, the, uh, sergeant, the captain, whatever you want to call him? He's like, Bella, what are you doing in my office? What, do you got something? I've got a lot. We've got these travelers in town. I think there might be something else going on. They come in saying they need to make a million dollars. Okay. I offered them a job at the sauce in the sauce stand. Okay, look, I've talked about this. I really don't like it when you bring up the sauce stand. It feels weird, all right? If I send someone undercover and they've got a hot dog stand, I don't want to hear bet your hot dogs. Okay? I don't want to hear bet your hot dog sales. I don't want to hear about how much mustard you're putting on them. Okay, uh, go straight to the point. They are looking for means of making money in alternate ways. What kind of alternate ways? Very criminal. They met. I kind of look around a little bit. They're talking to the slicer. All right, he's pretty low tier, but, uh, obviously that could escalate. Um, this is a little low tier to be bringing to me. I'm the captain of the precinct, and you're coming to me talking about the slicer. Uh, you're talking about some four nobodies. They're coming into town. It's a little weird. It's like four noboys coming to town, and they're trying to do some criminal activity. Do you want me to join them? Join them? Join them. You know what I mean? You want to follow them? Yeah, absolutely, I want you to follow them. That's your job, all right? You come to me, and you're like, hey, look, I picked up this piece of paper. I think it's a clue. I don't even know what the crime is. I got everybody up my ass right now. I got ask. The king is dead. It's big news. We're dealing with a lot right now. And you come to me telling me about four nobodies on the eve of my daughter's head, you, sterling sauce poo a friend to get the cell sauce. I don't even want to think about the sauce. Damn. It's all hard. It hit me the hardest. Look, nobody. This doesn't mean you treat me like this. Okay? Two things, feather. Uh, all right, first of all, I'm sorry about what happened to him, okay? He was a great guy. Fantastic. All right? But secondly, and I don't mean to be a jerk when I say this, but you got to stop using that as a crutch. You say that every single time I yell at you. Sometimes you just deserve it. And you just got to accept that the best agent you got. Well, that's a little narcissistic and presumptive. Behind a desk all day, I stand on the door, uh, times. Yeah, well, you won't be if you don't bring me something legitimate. And then he slams his. I only got four fingers. Just take one of them. Which one is the middle ones? Up in the air. You walk out of there, you slam the door. I just want to say, I want Des to meet that guy so bad just so he could do a Christopher Walken impression, but we don't know. Yeah, toss ticket. Throw it away. After you leave there, I'm going to go get this talking rock. Okay, so you walk up the hill, and sure enough, this light that's coming out of the cloud, this beam of holy light, angel singing. There are no angels singing, but it does come straight down. Uh, and it just looks like it's highlighting this little rock cycle. I just pick it up, look at it, shake it a little bit. Doesn't do anything. Uh, it doesn't do anything when you shake it. Talking rock. Hello. Wait, so it's future unclear. You don't hear anything stupid? Talking rock? Uh, put it in my pocket. Okay. Head back to them. Sounds good. All right, so, uh, the rest of you guys who are waiting back there, um, we can talk between ourselves. I thought we're talking to Slicer. Let's go back and talk to Slicer. Slicer is just standing there in the shadow, and he kind of steps out, and he just kind of waves at you a little, like. So, Slicer, what do we got to do? Yeah, what do we got to do to be cool? Yeah. So, basically, the only thing you got to do to be cool prove to me that you're cool, guys, is, uh, he gets real close. He's like, I need you to steal something. I don't care what it is. I care who awaits steering dead. Well, I need to see you do it now. Well, that's the point of stealing in it. Not to be seen, not by anyone other than me. Well, that's a little. How about you do it first? Okay. All right. And he walks over, show us how it's done. And, uh, he walks over to this booth, and he starts, uh, chatting. It's like a fruit booth. And he's chatting with the guy that runs the fruit booth. And you just notice that, ah, as he's talking to the guy, his hand kind of goes down at one point. Like he's gesturing, and he puts his hand down. In a second, you just see him very nimbly grab an apple and slide it into his pocket. Then he raises his hands back up as if he's trying to barter with this guy, and you just hear him shout, man, these prices are unreasonable. And he walks away, and he walks up to you, and he tosses you the apple rock. Kelsey and I toss it over to Keto. Is there anything visible on Slice's body? Uh, like a coin purse or like a dagger or something? Um, push him over. All right, Tom. Um, yes. So he has at his side, um, kind of hanging down from his belt, he has a morning star. Um, on his back, he has a javelin. That's kind of like, got a weird sheath back there. Um, otherwise, yeah, you don't hear a coin purse. Okay, but you remember thinking back of him inside of the tavern that you guys were just in. He had a drink, and he paid for the drink, and he flipped him a coin. So you know that he, at least at, uh, one point, had a coin. You doubt that he would carry just a single coin on him. Right. Idea. Uh, wait a sec. Can you go do that three more times? Uh, I think it's your turn. Well, we already stole one thing, right? Keto and I point over at the, ah, apple Keto's holding. He just stole that from you. I tossed it to you. Uh, semantics, Keto. Did you pay for that apple? That, I did not. Oh, well, looks like he stole it. Three more things if I grow apples at my. Give me analogies. Okay, don't give me technicality. This isn't even a good technicality. I'm starting to lose my faith in you guys. I would like to try and steal his morning star while this is happening. All right, while this is happening, do a sleight of hand. Actually, yeah, I'll let you do either stealth or Sleight of hand. Um, whichever one is better. Let me look. They are the same. All right, that's 17. Okay. While Rourick is kind of arguing back and forth with them, you sneak behind him and deftly slide his morning star out of its sheath. And he goes to turn around because he's like, wait, what? He turns, and you're standing there, and you have his morning star. I pick his, uh, javelin off his back. When he turns around, everyone just swarming around. 2025. All right. Uh, okay. As, ah, he turns around, he sees the morning star, and he starts to get frustrated. You pull the javelin, and I toss behind it. I toss it over to Maki, okay? Catch it. And then I tap him on his shoulder. I go, all says, all right. Hey, you know what? I got mad respect for it because all, uh, things considered, there's, uh, a lot of different kinds of stealing in the organization I'm a part of. He winks at you guys. But, uh, this is my style of things. Kind of bullying somebody into getting all their stuff. That's my area, you could say. So I tell you what. Look, I just need to see one of you steal something, one thing from one of these shops in the area, or a house or a person walking by. Aside from myself, I gesture to the whole group of us just in bewilderment of what he's asking. At this point, I don't think he's asking us to steal from him, right? But from a shop. I again refer to the apple, which was not yours prior taken from me, like you did. I mean, clever. It's clever. And like I said, I respect the style, but I just need. Like I said, okay, steal it from me. Not a great idea. Keto. Lay on the ground and just start groaning really loudly. Okay, I'll be back. And I just start walking off. Ah, Keto, you're groaning really loudly. I assume you're trying to attract people to his circumstances. Okay, roll me a performance check, keto. Ooh. I don't think I'm very good at that. You never know if you can just groan your way through, and if you're not doing too good, just kick him, just start beating him. That's going to attract a very different kind of attention. I'm just going to let you know that right now. I think I managed to actually hurt myself trying to pretend to hurt myself. Okay. Because I rolled the two. You fall on the ground and you go, uh. And somebody walks by and looks at you and just goes, ew. And then keeps walking. I walk up to a. And someone's like, hey, public indeed. Um, I walk up to the nearest table and then just point at the alleyway where this moaning is coming from. I think one of those guys over there stole an apple from you. All right, uh, this is a dude who's a really good selling. No, it's the same guy. Slicer with the earlier. Oh, it's the same guy. I think someone over there stole an apple from you. What? Yeah, the big guy with the javelin on his back that just talked to you. The guy with the J. Hey, you. And he starts pointing. Anyways, I'm going to grab my fruit. I grabbed something off his thing when he is clearly just yelling. What'd you roll? 21. 21 what? Um, you steal something, but the guards are all headed over to monkey, who's holding a javelin, and this guy is shouting, that guy right there, he stole my fruit. Not him. You just sent the guy with the javelin. This guy with the javelin stole my fruit. Did he talk to you? You see Slicer kind of starting to back away, and he kind of goes back into the shadows of the tavern, going to swing the morning star at Slicer. You stay here. I said it was the guy who talked to you. This guy's already up in arms. He's upset. He's not even listening to you at this point. He's just shouting at the guards. Does Maki see these people coming towards him? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Hey, alone. I didn't steal anything. Are they, uh, like, fully yelling at him? The alleyway? Yeah. Okay. I'm just filling my pockets full of stuff because they clearly don't care because I'm, like, yelling at them. That's, uh, not him. And they're clearly ignoring me. So I'm like, okay, fine. Just. Yeah, yeah, all right. You're loading up with a whole bunch of fruits. Maki, what are you doing? As these guards are kind of starting to come up, there's two guards, and they're heading towards you, trying, um, to kind of, like, block you off a little bit. Uh, I put the javelin down on the ground as if I'm using it as a support. Okay. Like, you're like, oh, gosh, my leg. I pretend to be a cripple. There you go. Do a performance check. See if they. I wouldn't dare steal something. I'd never get away. As you can see, I'm leg disabled. There you go. Our acting skills. Uh, we just saw you holding that spear there, buddy. Look, is it true that you stole from that guy? I'm going to need you to put that down, first of all. Really? I can't walk without it, sir. That's a weapon. That's a pointy weapon right there. I'm going to need you to put that down. Okay. I can't believe it. What universe we're in. We can't escape the Canadians. My feathered arms, uh, up. And I say, uh, take it easy now. But really, I can't walk. And I take a few steps towards them. Oh, don't worry, dear Budy, we're going to put out his arm to kind of catch you a little bit. Uh, what a nice guy. Now, buddy, what I'm going to do is that he's saying that she stole his fruit. I'm going to have to give you a little pat down, okay, dear? Bud, walk up the. I'll go. It wasn't him. Excuse me, sir. I don't know who you are, but you're interfering with Gar told them. Okay, that's fine and dandy there, Bud, but I'm going to need you to take a couple of steps back. All right? I'm going to start biting into the apples from this guy's stand. All right? I'm going to give you a little pat down. It's not going to hurt or anything. Just making sure you don't have his stuff, okay? All right. And they do a little pat down and they don't find any apples on you. They say, uh, excuse me, uh, Mr. Vendor, what's your name? He's like, Joseph. Yeah, well, we're not finding any fruit on him there, Bud. Was it something else he stole from you? Well, I don't know. And he looks over at, uh, Roric and he's like, what exactly did he steal? Was it fruit? You said it was fruit, right? My heart. They all just kind of paused for a second there. Um, well, I'm sorry there, Mr. Joseph, but, uh, I don't think that any kind of romantic feelings is an illegal act. So I think we're going to have to move on with this one. But if you got any other transgressions you need to deal with, you just let us know. We'll be nearby. And they start to walk off and, hey there, bud, let me help you out with that. And the dude just takes the javelin and he breaks the point off of it. Now, that's going to help you out, okay? But it's not the best. It's going to really get into your armpit there, so you're going to definitely want to get a real, uh, crutch, all right. As soon as you can. Once, uh, you do that, you're going to be doing just fine. And then they both start walking away. Thanks, officers. And, uh, as they walk away, the slicer comes back out from inside the shadows, and he just kind of walks over and he looks at the piece of the javelin that's laying there on the ground. And he looks at the javelin, he goes, guess you're going to have to steal a new one. Well, I guess I am, but, uh, I saw what you did. Did you? Uh, yeah, I did. Guess I wasn't good enough. Oh, no, I was looking for it. See that's. That's kind of the key to misdirection and theft, is you do something that they're not looking for. These apples suck healthy. Those are red deliciouses. They're not great. Uh, nevertheless, uh, we'll call it a solid success. You guys seem pretty cool, all things considered. So, uh, yeah, what do you say to, uh, a little job? Yeah, sign me up. All right. Let's do it quick before that square gets back. Well, uh, uh, yeah, see, here's the thing. Uh, it's actually something I need you to help me out with tonight, uh, later this evening, if you'd be able to. Yeah. So there's a pretty nearby alleyway, uh, that I need you guys, uh, to meet me in about 06:30 p.m. It's going to start just getting dark a little bit, but, uh, not too much just yet. Um, that comes later when we get everything all ready. But, uh, I'm going To need you guys there to help me get the prep work done, essentially. What's the job? Well, essentially, I'm going to be meeting some guys in there. Uh, they're going to do a little bit of a trade off with me for something that I've got, that they want. But if we can, uh, do a little something something, make some things happen, we'd be able to, uh, walk out of there with all the valuables. Uh, I see. A classic double cross. Exactly. See? You get it. That's why I knew you guys would be cool. So, wait, this isn't a mercenary job? No, um, I'm not with the mercenaries. Actually, I'm part of a different organization. Uh, like I said, maybe if you guys. What, uh, organization? Uh, I'm not at liberty. I mean, if we're going to work for you, might as well tell us. Well, that's what I'm getting to. I'm not at liberty to say yet, but if things go well with what we got going, I'm more than happy to tell you what it is and how to be a part of it. 630. Where? 30. Yes, that's right. Where? Yeah. Um, if you guys want to meet me, it's the alleyway right between the quirky quill and the mystic map maker. It's right here in Atlantic Heights. You got that, Maki? He's our note taker. Right on. You always got to have somebody like that, am I right? Yeah. Maki pulls out some pages, notebook, and then he's got stuff to write with. He actually does write it down. The mystic map maker. Um, all right, I guess that's it. We'll see you then. I'll see you guys then. I don't know what you want to do about that other fellow, but, um, hopefully the trade wasn't for that javelin. Bye bye. I'll see you guys later. And with that, we'll call it an episode.
Speaker C: Thank you so much for listening to Criminals of Isla Numis, a Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition actual play podcast set in a homebrew world created by me, Skyler Gorset. If you've been enjoying our show so far, be sure to like, follow and subscribe wherever it is that you're streaming from, whether that be Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, or anywhere else that podcasts can be streamed. Or just check us out on our website, sessionseroheroes.com. Additionally, if you enjoy coin, you might enjoy some of Session Zero Heroes other shows such as our benders and Brews and Avatar Legends actual play, where we jump into the world of Avatar, the Last Airbender and Legend of Korra using the Avatar Legends system created by Magpie Games or one of our various one shots which we are currently coming out with, where we use a variety of games and TTRBG systems to tell a variety of fun, exciting, emotional and hilarious stories. Within our group, we have all sorts of other content that we highly recommend checking out within the SZH channel, and more to come in the future. To find out more about what we do at Session Zero Heroes and to keep up with a lot of the other content we produce and be made aware of, uh, future projects, shows, and content, be sure to follow us on social media, on Facebook, X, Instagram, and Discord. These are all great ways to get in contact with our team, as well as to keep up to date with everything that we're creating and working on. We'd love to see you there. In the meantime, thank you so much for listening, and don't forget to stay curious, stay heroic until we roll again.