Session Zero Heroes - A TTRPG Actual Play Podcast
Speaker A: Saary traveler. I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here, but you have stepped into a realm of my creation. A sprawling city filled with danger and glory, and most importantly, lots of gold. Out. I call it Ilanumis. Who am I, you might ask? M the name is Jargon, and I'm the patron deity of gambling. Long story short, this group of idiots, or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me that they had what it took to make a mass trove of gold, but left some of the key details blank. So I fill them in myself. I send them to this pocket dimension, into the city I had created with brand new bodies they'd have to attune to. Can these fools pass my test? Or will they be trapped, here forever? So experience, my world of trials and tribulations and join alongside this posse of pitiful people. Or as I like to call them, the criminals of Isla Numis.
Speaker B: And welcome back, everybody, to another episode of Criminals of Isla Numis. I m nailed it right on the first try. I think we're good. I think we're good from here on out. Welcome, back to what, will be episode seven. I am your host, Skyler, but we'll get back to me, because first we're going to jump around and talk to everybody else that's here, starting with Dave. Dave, tell us who you're playing. Maki in someone else's body. fantastic. That was a weird intro from everybody involved except Dave. It was very fitting. Yes. awesome. All right, so Dave playing maki. Tell us a little bit about Maki. Maki used to be a drunk monk. Now he's, ah, just a drunk bird. Sober. No, he's not really sober. Sorceress bird. What just happened? Kenku all right. Fantastic. Quinn? Yes. Who are you? I'm Feather McGregor. I'm Feather McGregor. little sauce. And, it's been a while since we've been here, so I'm going to do my best to remember everything, but yeah, it's been a while since I, well, what do you remember? Yeah, so I, sold off the sauce business, and I, found out my world's not real. Went, into a deep, dark depression. Killed somebody. It happens. It does happen. Going to try and, tone that down a little bit, but yeah, I know I, had mentioned something about the running of the Minotaurs or something along those lines. so, yeah, we're going to see where that goes, potentially, but, excited to be back. Yeah, absolutely. Awesome. Moving on. Jackson I play a character named Des, who is a triton fighter in his normal life, but was changed into, a bird guy. Gone sexual. I mean, gone ranger. Same thing. And right now, the question that's on his mind are, do we treat Centaurs like people or do we treat them like horses? Well, interestingly enough, you might just find out a little bit about that in today's episode. Will they act like a bull if I prod them in the rear end? Or will they just be really excited about it? or Matt, say, you're obviously happy to see me. Fantastic. jumping over to our good friend and major individual of the show, Fatty Lumpkins. Fatty lumpkins. Tell us a little bit about your character. Thanks for remembering. Of course. I'm sure that Wink helped. My, name is what? He's a bee. Have you actually ever said what Keto is short for? No. Ketoacidosis? No. What's? It Keto. Short for? Well, he was just born that way. Do you not even remember? No, I do. But was he even short for the course? It was some medicine. What's? Even that what's he short for? Nothing. He was born that way. but I am a cobalt. He's the tallest member of our group, a cobalt fighter. And as we established, he has a glave. He also has a shield. He doesn't wield them at the same time, but he has both. He has been stupid. Fine print. Maybe at some point when you level up and you get the option for some kind of a feat, maybe we'll find one that lets you wield a two handed weapon and a shield for some reptilian metamorphosis where I gain a third arm. Third arm? Yeah. I like that idea. That's cooler. Oh, there we go. That's another good option. These are cool options. Look at this. Awesome character development. This podcast has already gone too far as it is. finally we got Cameron. Cameron, tell us who you're playing. I'm playing Roric. Thank you. The Goblin. he's a little fella who likes to shoot people with his bow. Nice and eat cheese. Nice and collect picture books. Interesting. That's what we all learned about him last week. Sack full of picture books right now. Large one. and cheese. Sure. There's cheese in there, too. Sure. What's that cheese made out of? Cheese. Oh, good. All cheeses made out of obviously you're asking for specific. He would just tell you, cheese kind cheese kind cheese. I think we said it was Gouda, but he wouldn't know. That some gouda cheese. If they ask him, he'd say, that's some good cheese. Awesome. Fantastic. Let's jump on in. All right. And we're back with another episode of Criminals of Islam Numis. Everybody's introduced themselves and we're jumping on in. When last we left off the, deal that you had set up with the rogue, individual that referred to himself as the Slicer had, I would argue went wrong. Maybe it went exactly how we wanted. I think that's we all planned to do that. All right, fair enough. Whatever the case, it went wrong for him. Original plan was lost. for him. Opportunities opened up, we could say. Oh, yeah, unexpected opportunities. You, managed to sneak into the cart of ward Pendleton, who was the owner of the horse stables, ripped to the cart. Yep. rip cart driver, because he took you to Lord Pendleton's house after you convinced him you were Lord Pendleton from inside the cart. and then you promptly, ended him. whatever the case, I don't remember it being prompt. It was, awkward, for sure. whatever the case, you broke into the house. Ah, you stole a number of different items. You somewhat, frightened the wife, but otherwise she doesn't realize that it was you that was there. Thanks, to some interesting illusions, put on by Dave's character, Quill Smith. And from there, you guys left, and it was late at night. Feather McGregor had mentioned something about a Running of the Minotaur event that was coming up and offered to let you guys stay at his place. so you're all there. you're all in bed. your various loot is scattered around the room in various sacks and bags or whatever it is that you carried them in. There's a large number of jars of strange white viscous. I hope they're in the refrigerator. well, ah, as a person who makes sauce, I have a pretty good feeling you have some sort of cold storage storage base. You got a freezer. Jars of horse splooge is down there. I think we're allowed to say this is holes. Yeah. whatever the case, I remember being that you all wake up the next morning you all wake up the next morning feeling refreshed. Feeling, maybe some of the weight of what you did last night weighs on you. I would argue that, Feather, maybe the weight weighs a little bit extra heavy on you. Does that count as a long rest? Yes, it does. So if you have any damage, you can erase it. you've healed. Restore your hit dice, restore your spell slots. Ah, if you have or have used them, spell socks, spell slots. but anyways, you're all at Feather McGregor. I'm going to assume it's kind of an apartment. It's not really like a househouse. No. Remember, it's in a tree. It's in a giant tree, and you have a basement that's refrigerated. How does that make sense? This is what we came up. Don't ask don't ask questions. Remember, it was passed down from generations. It's basically a house that was built into a giant, giant tree. Okay? It works. All right? And there's a stone. Out of all the things that couldn't work, this is the one thing you're stuck on that couldn't work. Okay. All right. Fair enough. All right. I mean, it is a fantasy world. Whatever the case, you have a refrigerated helsig basement area that maintains a cold environment where you've stored the semen to make sure that that's okay. I do pocket dimension, and this is where you got caught up. All right, fair enough. That is fair. All right, whatever the case. You all wake up, it's the next morning. What's going on? so I mentioned something about the running of the minotaurs, if you guys are interested. Is there prize money involved? I'm not sure exactly what the prize would be. What's in it for us? well, I'm sure there is money. I just don't remember how much money. You, do know that there are prizes, but the prizes change every year, so sometimes they're money. oftentimes there's some money involved, I think, in each one of the prizes. But there's also, like, interesting items. The promised prizes are often quite valuable. I do know that that's what you know. There's some clatter in the background. Is this a one V one running, or are we collaborative? No, tell us about it. It's pretty much everybody. It's every man for themselves. I mean, you can work together, but it's just like whole bunch of people, whole bunch of minotaurs. And you just try and live. Never done it because I'm not dumb. But with my new found life, I'm feeling a little frisky. The red light districts in a different neighborhood. For frisky? Why? No, I'm kidding. Yeah, just roll for how frisky. Give me a frisk one through 20. It's important. This is for my head cannon. Yes. Hey, got any coffee? no. But I do have some sauce in the no, I don't think I do. I think it's full. Any coffee? I'm not a big coffee drinker. Des motions to you Roric on some hand, motions to coffee and then go get some. Yeah. Yeah, Des, that's a great idea. Let's go get some. I don't it's been so long. Is that the voice I used before? Yeah, sure. Okay. Yeah. We're going to leave to go get some coffee, but, Rourke's going to grab a couple books, okay. And put them under his arm as he walks out. Like, one under each arm? Sure, one. All right. You grab a couple of your horse picture books, put one under each arm, and walk out the door with Des following along. not too far away, maybe like a couple blocks, there's kind of this janky diner. It's a little rough. It's kind of beat up on the outside. Paint's chipping off the sign that says hotcakes and Grilled Steaks. Nice. It's hotcakes ah, and grilled steaks. Sounds good. Yeah. You, walk inside, the door jingles as you do. it's pretty bustling in there. It's still, like, fairly early morning for the most part. So there's quite a few people in there. There's a couple of waitresses that are going around. They're pouring coffee into people's cups. there's a chef in the back. You can see him flipping pancakes up in the air, slapping them down with his big old spatula. he's just putting together all kinds of food, throwing it on plates, throwing it into this window, and shouts out, oh. God. Number 43 with the big slab of the bomb. and he just starts talking what sounds like nonsense. And then the waitress comes over, and she's like, I got a big sticky with a big flabby, flubber jab. and then walks off and takes it over to one of the tables and sets them in front of him. You enjoy young. And it's a guess it's a kid that just came out and ordered just came out. Listen, it's 2023. Can come out whenever he wants. There's the Bailey there. It's a good diner. When people are giving a birth there, immediately give the kid just a full plate of food. And the woman's sitting there with him is like, oh, thanks for noticing. And he says, thank you, and then he does one of those things where he picks up the plate with both his tiny little baby hands, and then he opens his mouth, and it just keeps opening, like, unnaturally. And he's like, yeah, like a realistic Kirby. Yes. Really terrifying. not like cute chibi teeth where it's like four pointed ones. No, like the movie teeth. Ah. Yeah. This is a fantasy Waffle House. This is a fancy Waffle House, baby and all. Even a fancy waffle house. Okay. Do we find our own seed, or is that what you're doing? Are you two the only ones that want coffee? Did anyone else follow us? It was kind of clear where we were going, but anyone else come with us? Mock you thought you were bringing it back. I assumed as well. He'll just have to have his Irish coffee without the coffee. All right, so what are you doing? Finding a booth, I guess. all the booths are taken. There's only a couple of chairs. Okay, never mind, then. There's a couple of seats at the counter. That's what I meant. All right. You pull up to the counter, and a woman a half ORC they're, all wearing, like, the same outfit. It's some kind of, like, pinstripe long skirt. They have roller blades on, even though she's behind the counter, and she skates up to where you're sitting, and she's like, what can I get you, Han? Des opens his mouth and it just goes did you record yourself? That was you? When you weren't looking outside the door? I had to go. She looked at you a little surprised, and she's like, okay. And what about you? A coffee. All right. Do you want a cream? Sugar? Sugar? Sure. Des points and nods. Yeah, he wants a coffee with cream and sugar. Des shakes his head no and points to his feathers. Color? Black. He wants black. He wants it black. He's right. All right. You want some flapjacks? No. Shakes his head. no. No flapjacks. Eggs? Shakes his head no. Okay, just black. No, I want the cream. You want the cream and sugar? How much you want? Two enough. Two? of each. Sure. All right. And the pot. Okay. Sounds good. I need a pot of coffee over here. just give me all the cream and sugar. He doesn't care. And you just see another one that's over there. That's just like she's just shoving pots underneath the coffee maker. And she pulls, like, a lever, I guess. Is that how they would squeeze the water through the coffee grinds? And that's all she does all day is she just squeezes more coffee and more coffee. More coffee. She fills up a pot. She just hands it off. I mean, there's pots of coffee going to every freaking table, booth, whatever in here. so very quickly, you guys get a pot of coffee. she just hands you the saucer and a little tiny plate with a little stack, like a little pyramid of sugar, cubes. She's like, all right, that'll be three copper pieces if you don't want to order anything else. Okay. And I pull, out a gold piece, and I slide it to it. you tip pretty good on me. Oh, I want it changed. she walks over to the register, and she looks all pissed off. She, like, punches the button, and she throws the gold coin in there. And she starts taking out she's got to take out, like, a ridiculous well, she takes out that's a lot of silver. I think it's, like, nine silver. And then it'd be 99 copper, seven copper, 97 copper. It'd be nine silver and three copper. yeah, because then that would equal I thought it was 100 to one or something like that. Well, 100 to one would be for the gold. So she was doing just gold. Yeah. So then she brings it over. I mean, she's got to put it on a plate because there's so many coins. She's like, there you go. Big spenda. and then she turns around. She just starts doing other things. Like, she's kind of I think it'd be really funny if you just left all of that change there on the table. It's like, let me make it manageable for you. Yeah. So Roric, starts drinking his coffee and pulls out a book and starts reading it while and by reading it, you're looking at the pictures, right? Yeah. And I'm looking at the pictures, and, he's analyzing them, and then he offers his other book to Des. Will take the book and flip it open and peck at a page or two. Just keep flipping and then peck into his coffee. We're enjoying our coffee and book. Very smart fellas. as you guys are sitting there and you're doing this with this books, an individual kind of a young guy kind of, like, leans over to you. he is a tiefling. He's got some horns growing out of his head. they're kind of like medium sized horns for a tiefling. Like, they're not like those huge long ones that start curling around and stuff like that. They're medium sized. they're noticeable, for sure. His skin tone is what kind of surprises you, because as a tie fling, usually they're a very hefty red, sometimes purple. I think maybe sometimes occasionally, you might see one that's blue. he actually has pretty just Caucasian skin tone. Pretty white guy. And, he's dressed in a vest with a tie. He's got one of those, like, long cloaks on him, and he's, Satan himself, the devil. He leans over to you guys, he says, well, there what you reading? Rourke covers his book, what to do. I sincerely apologize. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything. Hey, do you know where a guy like me can go to sell a book like this? Sell a book? Yeah. Oh, have you already read through it? You do seem quite learned for, if you don't mind me saying, a goblin. yeah, I read every page, front to back. Wow. he eyes it a little bit. Ah. horses. Are you, well versed in horses? do you own any horses? Take care of horses, per se. Yeah. Wow. Very impressive. I'm new to the business. that's a hefty resource. Quite a valuable asset to have. How many horses do you have, if I might ask? 35. 35. Wow. That rivals the Pendleton stables themselves. exactly. Rom me a deception check. Okay. 23. Yeah, absolutely. He definitely, totally believes you're being honest with us. This is one of those cases where Rourke's too dumb to realize how stupid he sounds. He seems truly and legitimately impressed with, your horse, ownership and knowledge. Dumb and dumber handing out IOUs. I don't mean to be so forward, but you guys don't by chance dabble magically, do you? Now, why do you ask? Oh, well, I'm just part of a little group of magical developers, you could say, and, just looking for interested, individuals. I wasn't sure if by chance maybe you went to the school of magic, or maybe you just happened to dabble a little bit outside the realms of what is normally, denz shakes his head. Trucks went back to his book. My buddy doesn't dabble in magic, and I, don't know anything about magic. Well, again, apologies. Didn't mean to pry. but it's great to meet you both, and I hope I see you again soon. And he tosses a couple of coins onto the counter for the lady, who quickly snatches them up and throws them into the register or pockets, like, maybe one or two, because that was the tip. and then he heads out of the restroom. Do I notice anything missing from my person? Do, you want to do an investigation check. Sure. All right. Play it as it lies. All I brought was my books. 1112. you check your person over a little bit? You don't feel anything that's been missing? You don't feel anything that's been tampered with or anything like that? The Tieling walks away. My guy just goes, what did you mean by that? She says, hey, you, don't be strangers around here, all right? It's actually Rourick. Listen, lady, I'm the strangest person you'll ever if there's any quality from Roric, from my old character into this new character, it's like he did not care at all about money. That's true. Which is probably going to be the worst quality given this campaign. Your goal is to amass money? Yeah, he literally never cared about money. Fair enough. He would just throw it away or just give it to everyone else. Anyways, we head back. Can I bring the pot and coffee? she would yell at you if you started walking out of there with the coffee and tell you to bring it back. What if I gave you a gold for it? Deal. Can you repeat? I was just going to ask if you wanted that. okay, cool. I'm sorry, I'm going to be wired up on this stuff all day. You big caffeine fan there? Well, little guy no, I'm trying to get real smart, book smart. And I remember hearing stories about the university students, and they said they would live off this stuff while studying. Oh, yeah, we get them university students from the College of Magic every once in a university of magic. He's one of our regulars. What's his name? I think he said his name was is he rich? Hard to say. I mean, he usually pays pretty good. Is his dad rich? Do you want me to tell you his name or are you done with that one? That was the first question you asked. I haven't been able to answer it yet for you. Do you want it or not? Yes. His name is Varys. Varys what? I don't know what his last name is. Well, then, how would you know if his dad's rich? I don't. I should have asked him if his dad's rich does not. That's what I'm in agreement. Oh, well, bye, lady. All ah. Right. Should I call you Marge? Honey, with a gold tip, you can call me whatever you want. Thanks, Marge. Have a good one. Wait, what's your name? What? What's your name? Oh, Roric rock. All right. I don't know why it sounds like Linda from She's Merged. Linda from Bob's Burgers is the ultimate tavern chick. Well, you just have a nice day now. Okay? Thanks for the coffee. And I'm going to walk out the door with Des, and we're going to walk back to the tree. all right. Very good. You see a number of people all walking towards kind of sort of like the back corner of this sort of district. And they're all wearing the same outfit. They're wearing white shirt, white pants, red scarf. Better not be the day after Labor Day. Why can't I wear white after Labor Day? Them the rules. I'm sorry. What were they wearing? No, you're good. white shirt of some kind. Maker, whatever. There are a variety of forms. And then white pants. Same thing. There different kinds of pants. Got some dudes wearing, like, the heron pants. You got some dudes wearing more like slack kind of pants. It's what people wear during the running of the and then they're wearing red, either, like, neck ties or bandanas or scarves or some sort of, like, neck covering that's red. And they all seem to be kind of, like, headed to one area. A few of them, they're usually coming in, like, small groups, and they're kind of joking with each other and pushing. Okay. To the tree. All right, so you get back to the tree. What are the rest of you guys doing? I'm just chilling. I ask if, maybe anybody wants a couple of drinks before we decide to go do this running with the minotaur. I mean, just makes sense. Sure. Drinks of what? coffee. No, sauce? No, not sauce. I don't know, just some just the devil's sauce. No, just, some normal it's just water, man. Just some, like, low tier just normal people liquor. Whatever. Even knowing my all right, those of you interested in partaking you're having a couple of drinks. Are you drinking? I was not paying attention. You're going to drink with them? Normal people. They're just at the house. Liquor. Normal people liquor. I'll pass. Ah, okay. He's waiting for the coffee. I know maki's not passing. It's, just saying. Best part of waking up is a liquor in your cup. That's right. Awesome. so you guys are just kind of chilling. Are you guys sitting outside? Are you just, like, on lawn chairs, like, outside? I feel like we're just sitting in. didn't I get rid of most of the stuff in my, house? So we're just kind of I'm just chilling. Sitting on the floor. Just sitting on the floor. Sims when you sell everything, so you have some money, but then you just have an empty shell is the bachelor pad. It is the bachelor pad. All right, so you guys are sitting around, you're drinking, whatnot? and then all of a sudden, your two friends come in. They've got a pot of coffee on them. it's full, it's hot. Who wants coffee? Dez raised his hand. Okay, I refilled Des's cup, which she took, but she was too distracted by the fact I have the pot of coffee. Like, $100 for, like, a $5 coffee mug and a couple of dollar cups. she did not care. Good business. You could have gave me silverware. I don't need a coffee. Even gave you silverware. Probably a little spoon. I'll take some of that. You just dumped all the cream and the sugar into the coffee pot. No, I didn't do that because I knew Des wanted it black. That's true. That's true. Fair point. All right. Sounds good. I'm a good friend. I appreciate it. sadly, I can't chill it like I used to be able to, which is a bit weird for Rourick because he used to chill his coffee while drinking and have iced coffee, but now when I hold, it just hurts my hand. Would it, though, because you fizzle fingers, you got, like, the opposite power. No, fizzle fingers has nothing to do with fire. No, I actually shock people, scrubbing your socks on my carpet all the time. I've got a lot of resistant charges. What were you saying, Dave? He wants some. Okay. No, maki makes does a mimicry of a break time whistle like, coffee time, coffee time. I'll go walk over and fill up Maki's cup, which I noticed has a liquid already in it. Yeah, just top her up. Okay. All right. Eventually, you guys, I look over at ah, coffee, keto, wood. You want coffee? I'll have a cup. there you go. How about you? I'm good. No morning sauce for you? Lil sauce. I'm going to stick to the good stuff. So is the town of Buz with minotaur runners. Des and I saw a bunch of guys in all white with red bandanas, scarves, you name it. When does this thing start big sauce? looks like we got about an hour and a half. You look at the poster, that's one of the few things sitting there on the floor, and it's starting, like, soon, like an hour and a half. Not an hour and a half. We better get going. We don't have anything to wear. It's okay. They'll hand us out a bandana, so I'm sure we can find something. Is there an entry fee? No, it's just you show up. It's such a risk that you just show up. Yeah. Well, I guess we'll get our warm up on the way. All right, let's go. So you guys all run out of stuff? My books back in the sack. Oh, okay. Sounds good. Yeah. You toss your books into the sack. All of you run out the door. Some of you still carrying your cups or glasses or whatever it is that you had with you. I'm drinking out of the yeah, you just got the coffee bucket. You're just chugging out of that. you guys run down the street, and eventually you do make it to that corner area where, there's some signage and stuff that kind of guides you there on the buildings and, signposts and such that guide you to where this race is starting. And as you guys are approaching, you can hear a mass of just people just talking, shouting, laughing, whatever, getting ready for this race. Or as you kind of start to pass by the area where the race is going to take place. You can see that the roads between the buildings where this race is supposed to take place and the path that it's going to follow, they have barricades on either side. They're big, heavy wooden barricades. there's a lot of, bystanders that are watching the crowd, the audience, or whatever. They're watching alongside these to see as people pass by once this race starts, which it has not yet. and you guys kind of just follow this until eventually you find where the race starts. And sure enough, there's just probably, a good, like around 20 people all wearing these outfits. Some of them maybe not so much wearing the traditional outfit of the white with the red ties or bow ties or whatever tie. Just any red thing around your neck, whatever the case. they're just wearing whatever. Right. and they're all gathered inside of the barricades where the race starts from as you guys kind of approach this area because are you all going to enter this? Okay. All right, sounds good. So you all are kind of pushing past. there's not really a registration. You just kind of let yourself in and you join with the crowd. you see a couple of people, they're like, oh, I'm going to go in. Oh, no, I'm not doing that. No, I'm just kidding. Everybody is just kind of, like, rolling their eyes, like, wow, get in or get out. Sit or get off the pot, whatever the, case. There's a building, behind you, and there's these huge, massive wooden gates. They have, little openings on, ah, the top, like little tiny square windows. And they have bars on them. From inside, you can just hear this. And then every once in a while, something will slam against the door. When it does, the people that are closest to the door, they kind of and then they kind of push their way to the front of the entire group of people because they don't want to stand there. there's a person that's actually standing on the rooftop of this little building where you assume the minotaurs are being kept inside. this person is like the leader of ceremonies. They're also wearing the white with the red, ah, it's just a big, long, bearded man. The, beard comes down to about his mid, almost to his stomach. And he's just sitting there kind of waiting for things to get ready. You guys look around you. Are you looking at the people that are also there, or do you care at all? Maki is first looking around for a clothesline. Okay. Perhaps with some white sheets hanging on it. Okay. Before, like, you get in. Yeah. Okay. Do a quick perception check. Sometimes I feel like with DM all right. I was just going to say sometimes with DMing, perception me asking for perception check. Do you see it? It's more of does it exist I don't know. yes, absolutely. You in fact, see, not a clothesline, per se, but it's actually a vendor, and he's selling all these white clothes of various sizes and shapes and a variety of red scarves. He's like, Step right up. Step, right up. Don't, get dirty looks while you're in the race. Get your traditional running of the minotaur clothes. You don't want to be seen in anything else. People will frown on you. People will laugh at you. People will tell you, Get out of the race, you loser. Guys, we probably should get in line. They might not give us all the money if we win, if we're not wearing the right clothes. And then you hear him say, they won't give you all the prize money if you're not wearing the clothes. I feel like he heard me. Or he said, they might not give me all talk about target marketing. Yeah. No, step right up. How much are the clothes? It's, a gold piece for an outfit. So you get the white pants, the white shirt, and the scarf. I'm small. Five silver, half off. I'm half size. I'll do it for seven. Deal. All right. For seven silver, you get an outfit, which I assume you change into. Yeah, right there. Des gives them a there's just a naked goblin in the street. I was going to say there's, like, a handful of, like, porter pot. No, I'm just establishing the scene. You don't have to use oh, yeah, I'm not. And, as you're changing, one of the guards walks over, and he's like, don't let me see you getting naked in the race. Somebody does it every year, and I'm sick and tired of grabbing. Okay. All right. Like a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. He's asking. Boy, he keeps telling everybody. Did he just wink at that guy? I hate catching naked guys. Don't let me have my way with you. All right? After, they've been running, I'll have to, sometimes you got to apply discipline on the spot. That's why they got me. Ralph McGinnis what kind of procedures does this police station have? I don't know. Stripping searches. As his guard is, announcing these things to the people around him, he turns around and he sees you and he says, doll, let me see. Hey, brother. Hey. It's convenient that I saw you. I have the message here from the chief. He hands you a letter in an envelope. This is a podcast. You have to speak. Yeah, I know, but you got to tell me what it says. I can't read. You have to tell me that you're opening. I open it. Okay. I'm just saying, if you didn't want to open it right, but you saw that I opened it, so you were like, oh, he's opening. He opened it. It just says on the inside in big letters, it's completely losing all the like it's aligned paper. It's ignoring all of that. It's just big letters that just says my office ASAP. Exclamation mark. Like six of them. There's no pictures. whatever the case, you guys get into the lineup for this race. You're ready? Awesome. how many people are there? So there's a good, like I'd say, probably an even 20 that actually are going to do the race. Not the ones that are like I was expecting a lot more. Let's scout out the competition, boys. I want to elbow one guy in the side. Oh my. Not meanly like, trying to get his attention. All right, you elbow a guy, do you look at him before you elbow or do you elbow? Well, I'm elbowing him while looking at him and saying, hey, Mr. You turn to this. What is a Durgar? Or kind of a dark elf? He's kind of got this gray skin on him. He's got a big old white beard with some black patches kind of mixed into it. right. Yeah, it's like an underdark dwarf. Yeah. you elbow him and he says, oh, what are you doing there? What do you want? Have you ever the prize money is oh, the prize. Yeah. I've never won before, but I know what the prize is. Why? Okay, so first place, it's like 5000 gold pieces. You get this fancy helmet. Ah. All the items that they got, they're all Minotaur themed. It's weird. Yeah, it's true. then second place, it's like 4000 gold. You get an axe, which is pretty cool in my opinion. third place, it's a big steep drop from second to third to tell you that much. but you get like 1000 gold. and then you get like, a potion that's supposed to make you really strong. I don't know, that sounds kind of cool in my opinion. But at the same time, potions are pricey. That is true. That is very true. Yeah. My budy, Grizzletooth and I, yeah, we run this thing every single year. We never won before. we do it more just to see between the two of us, which want to win. And next to him, you see this bud bear who just kind of hulks over this guy. He's massive compared to this little door guard. And he turns and he says, yeah, we run this thing over here. We're, pretty good at it. We've never been. He said he never won. Yeah, but we're not dead. Good point. We never been gore. Is there a prize? You said 1st, 2nd, 3rd. Is there a prize? If you just at least finish, I think you just get like, one medal. Any tips for the, first time Minotaur runner? All right, so here's what I'm going to tell you, right? If you're, like, standing there, you're running, and the Minotaur is right behind you. you want to get out of the way. That thing will just stick you right up the bum hole. Unless you're rusty here. Yeah, if you're rusty, me, then you get stabbed in the back of the head because my butthole is not like, up there. it's kind of a bum deal. You get stabbed in the butthole, you'll sit on a donut for like, a couple of weeks, but you'll be all right. But me, I get stabbed in the head and then I die. As you can see, I've never been stabbed in the head before. Yeah, he's never been stabbed in the head before, that's for sure. Let's see, what else do you think of Rusty? Well, I would say, you don't want to get one alone. If they're running in a pack, usually they'll keep running, they'll keep chasing things. Right. but if you get one that's, like, left the pack, I mean, he's out there blood. He's going to kill you. So you don't want to get involved in that. You want to get out of there, you know what I'm saying? don't try to hide behind things. if you feel like you're in danger, it's time to just give up. You jump out of the barrier, you disqualified. But at least you're alive, you know what I'm saying? Maki wants to is this guy telling the truth here? Yeah, go for an insight check. Yeah. Does it really stick up your you could tell that this is their first time ever playing this? Yes. An eight. yeah. No, he seems pretty legit. I mean, he seems like he's being pretty honest for the most part. But it's kind of hard to tell. You're in kind of a new situation. And you're looking around and all these people look real confident. But these are people that have been here at least living in the city before. So at the very least they've seen this. And they might be at worst, pretending like they know more than they do because they've never participated. But they've seen and at ah, best, they've participated it many times and they know what they're talking about. other than jumping over the barricades, are there any other ways to get disqualified? Oh, yeah, there's plenty of ways to get disqualified. Let's see. Ah, you try flying, you'll get disqualified. That's cheating. you try to climb up onto buildings, that's disqualified. you got weapons. You're disqualified. you teleport you're disqualified. let's see, what was that first one? flying. Flying? Yeah, flying. You get disqualified. let's see here. What about killing in style? What? Falling in style? if you jumped before you fell yeah. Then you're probably fine. Okay. As long as you're not actively flying. What about digging? As long as you do it within the boundary, I suppose it's allowed. Honestly, I never really thought of that. Don't mind me. I'm going to get on all fours and start digging up the crap bugbear he speaks up. Grizzle tooth. Yeah, and let's see here. you can fight people, but they really don't like it if you kill people. I don't think we've ever had anybody do that or not in a way that they could prove that they were killed by a person and not the Minotaurs. So, it's kind of a he said, she said thing, but if they can prove it, you might get disqualified. let's see. I think that's it. I think that's pretty much everything. You guys got any other questions? Des shakes and said all right, cool. Hey, you guys seem like fun. You guys ever come around the Rock Bottoms Club? Isn't the club we went to before you guys went to a casino? No, we haven't been what was the on that club? It was a bar. We haven't been to the rock bottoms. Okay. No. Well, yeah, we both worked there, so you guys should stop by after this. We can get you a couple of drinks. It'd be a fun time, hang out. It's a pretty cool state, if I do say so myself. Yeah, I've been working there a long time making drinks. That's what I do. A bartender. That's what I do. Some of my best friends are bartenders. Who knows? Maybe we'll be best friends. He's my best friend. Oh, that means a lot, boy. You're my best friend. So you said. Sorcery is allowed? yeah, to an extent. Like I said, I mean, as long as you're not using flights, any kind of flying magic or teleportation magic, that kind of like conjuring stuff. I mean, conjuring, as long as it's not flight or teleportation, I don't think they care after that. but those are kind of the big two. How about speed up ones? Speed up? Yeah, I've seen some people use those. Yeah, those are allowed. but as a seasoned professional, I'm just going to warn you. It's got some nasty after effects to it, so I'd be careful. If only I knew. speed spell. Yeah, you're going to see some pretty crazy stuff, with some strategies here. I mean, look at this guy. He points over at some dude who's in very obviously, like, a Minotaur costume, and he's kicking back the dirt. Like he has hooves, and he's, like, getting ready, and he's snorting, even though this is a costume. And he just seems really intense. He looks very focused. Some of the people, like, they'll nudge him, and he just kind of, like, pushes him back, but he doesn't break focus. I want to blending in. Maki wants to scan this crowd of contestants to look for somebody who maybe is a little gullible gullible. All right, go for, three figures that are definitely kind of, what you would assume, at least from face value. Maybe a muscle over brain or brawn over brain kind of people, but, less intimidating, you see two, what look like young elf twins. They are, eldrins. I do want to say you have a good chance of finding a gullible person and a running of a bull. Yeah, that's a good point, because people with brains just wouldn't be doing this. Let's be honest with ourselves. That's a very fair point. So you see twin, they almost look like they might be like teenage elves. and like I said, they're elidrin. They have, like, this sort of red skin, tone, almost orange, maybe. And, they're kind of like a Fay Elf take, essentially. other than that, you do see another. You assume that based on age, they might be a bit more gullible. Right. So you do see another. It looks like a young adult, like, super young, air genesi. he also looks maybe like he might be a bit gullible. I don't think I've ever heard Ganassi said with a soft G before. Oh, is it Ganassi? That's what I've always heard. All right, fair enough. Ganassi. Gennassi. He always said genasi, which kind of made sense, because when he played one, he was cursed by a gin. That's fair. All right, maki wants to walk up to the twins and pretend to stumble into them. Okay, sounds good. do you want to do, like, a quick performance? Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, you stumble into them. they're like, oh, whoa, hey, careful there. And they kind of catch you a little bit. Sorry. So much to take in. I didn't see you there. that's all right. You smell like you had some drinks beforehand. Well, a little liquid courage never helped. they said, don't drink before this. You're kind of a rule breaker over here. Well, you want a little bit of a competitive edge. And I slosh around my water skin. There's not water in here. And the other one kind of steps forward, and she says, Sarah, are you offering us, teenagers, illicit substances? You could say that. I think I speak for both of us when I say that we're not interested. yeah, we're not interested. That was a test. And you passed. Oh, hey, we passed. And since you seem like good kids, I'll, give you a little tip. I see you can't help but notice your footwear. Yeah, you got to tie it all wrong. Well, you look down at their feet. One of them is wearing some sandals. The other one is not wearing any shoes. Their feet are just holds off a toenail. they're tiable sandals. They've got, like, a thin sort of string or something that kind of binds everything all together and keeps it on their foot. What's wrong with my tie game? You want to set this bad boy into race mode, you got to loop it around behind your ankle. Okay. And then, it's like this. And then I start untying this kid's shoe and tying it sounds so weird. And one, two, buckle his shoe. But I purposely do a poor knot. Okay. All right. You're going to make him lose his shoes. Interesting. All right. Sounds good to you? Yeah. You tie up this kid's shoes a little off, and as far as he knows at the moment, they hold pretty well. But we'll see what happens when the race begins and he actually has to get moving. Anybody else doing anything before the race begins? No, I'm, ready to go. You're ready to go? Stretching. Stretching. Nice. Good thinking. I start digging a second hole. You just start digging, a second hole? Yeah, next to the other one. Just a little bit over. How big are these? What other one? I've been digging a hole this whole time. This whole time? Yeah. It's not that deep. It's not that deep, bro. It's like, I don't know, like, a couple of inches deep. Just like but it's got some depth. Are you just using your hands that I assume? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'd be such a shame if somebody were to step into that, like, A really fast I just like digging. Maki casts minor illusion over the hole to make it look like it's, good thinking. Rourke, in the middle of digging his second hole, looks over and goes, where's my elbow? Hey, it worked. Some sort of illusion. I wanted spent, two minutes on that hole. Theo, you're stretching, you said? Yeah, I'm just mindless. All right, so you guys are ready to go? All right, sounds good. As, the time for the race comes to a head, the announcer steps up. He's on top of the building, the leader of the ceremonies, and he stands up, and he right. All right, everybody, I know we're all ready to go and rearing for this race to begin. Thought you were going to play your Matthew McConaughey voice for that. All right. No, he just seems like an average guy, I suppose. he says. All right, so kick things off. first of all, we got the barrier set up all the way around here, so you know which way to go. As soon as we start the race, you will have a five second head start before we release those Minotars. The five second head start is, of course, to make sure that all of you, the many of you that have entered this race can at least get spread out just a little bit before we start letting the Minotaurs run in and kill you all. I'm just kidding. Or I don't know. It happens. I digress. there are barriers that will help lead you down the path when you get to the end, that's when you'll get scored. If you by any means or any way pass over the barriers, under the barriers or through the barriers, you will be disqualified from the race. But please do so if it means saving your life. We do not like collecting and picking up the bodies afterwards. So the fewer there are, the better. Of course, there are no weapons in this race, so please do not bring them out. If we, our referees, who are scattered throughout the event, catch you with weapons, you will be disqualified and removed, and usually forcefully. What about shields? Shall they say that I'm looking at these guys? You just say that to us? Yeah. I don't know. There will be no flying. I don't care if you do it naturally because of your species, or if it's through magic. There will be no flying. If we catch you flying, you will be disqualified and removed from the race. Question. Can we shouting this out? Yeah, shout it out. Can we fly? No, thank you. Cannot fly. Everybody in the audience just turns and gives you like, this angry look, and he's like, It's fine, folks, there's one every year. In addition to flying. There will be no teleportation, magic, or any other kind of transportation related conjuration, magic or otherwise. That includes flying. As I just said. How many times are you going to say it? He really doesn't want people to fly. There's one every year. There's one every year. Participants must follow the predetermined route. If you leave the route or course, you will be disqualified. The barriers are there to establish that. No climbing on the buildings, no using the rooftops. that's leaving the course. You will be disqualified. Participants, you are allowed to fight with each other, but we appreciate you not killing each other. People die in this race because of the minotaurs. They should not be dying because of the other participants. We appreciate you leaving other people alone for the most part, but we also understand that, harassing and otherwise causing others to fail is kind of part of the whole race. Kind of funny. And it's funny. Yes, exactly. Thank you. See this guy? There's one of these every year. And I appreciate them. Don't appreciate that guy. yeah. Don't kill or lethally maim anybody that kind of jumps back to no weapons. But I know some of you, and you see the three, like, super muscular ones, and he's like, yeah, I know you don't need weapons to be a weapon. Just please keep it at a minimum. Anyways, you've agreed by participating to, the dangers and possible death that can occur during this race. we don't do waivers by stepping into this course. That is basically the waiver. The guards literally won't care if you die during this event inside the course unless you were killed. You get it? I've already explained all this. Anyways, let's get this going. And he turns and there's like a big lever before he goes. Yeah, I'm going to go in front of the doors and I'm going to start just, toss down my, two flasks of oil. Okay. All right, I'm just going to stand there. Okay. Watch him wait for the lever. All right, I'm going to pull out my tinder box. Oh, yeah. This is some Balder's gate strategy right here. All right, sounds good. So he reaches down, he grabs this lever on the rooftop, and he says, and we begin the race in three, two, one, run. I like you light the thing. And with that, we'll end today's episode.
Speaker C: Thank you so much for listening to Criminals of Isla Numis, a Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition Actual Play podcast set in a homebrew world created by me, Skylar Gorset. If you've been enjoying our show so far, be sure to, like, follow and subscribe wherever it is that you're streaming from, whether that be Spotify, Apple, Podcasts, YouTube, or anywhere else that podcasts can be streamed, or just check us out on our website sessionseroheroes.com. Additionally, if you enjoy coin, you Might enjoy Some of Session Zero Heroes other Shows such as Our Benders And Brews and Avatar Legends actual Play, where We Jump into The World of Avatar the Last Airbender and Legend Of korra using the Avatar Legends system created by Magpie Games or one of our various One shots which we are currently coming out with, where we use a variety of games and TTRPG systems to tell a variety of fun, exciting, emotional and hilarious stories. Within our group, we have all sorts of other content that we highly recommend checking out within the SZH channel and more to come in the future. To find out more about what we do at Session Zero Heroes, and to keep up with a lot of the other content we produce and be made aware of, future projects, shows, and content. Be sure to follow us on social media, on Facebook, X, Instagram, and Discord. These are all great ways to get in contact with our team, as well as to keep up to date with everything that we're creating and working on. We'd love to see you there. In the meantime, thank you so much for listening. And don't forget to stay curious, stay heroic until we roll again.