Session Zero Heroes - A TTRPG Actual Play Podcast
Speaker A: Hello weary traveler, I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here, but you have stepped into a realm of my creation, a sprawling city filled with danger and glory and, most importantly, lots of gold.
Speaker B: Out.
Speaker A: I call it Isla Numus Who am I, you might ask? M the name is Jarjin, and I'm the patron deity of gambling. Long story short, this group of idiots, or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me that they had what it took to make a mass trove of gold, but left some of the key details blank. So I fill them in myself. I send them to this pocket dimension, into the city I had created with brand new bodies they'd have to attune to. Can these fools pass my test?
Speaker B: Uh.
Speaker A: Or will they be trapped here forever? So experience my world of trials and tribulations and join alongside this posse of pitiful people. Or as I like to call them, the criminals of Isla numis.
Speaker B: All right, welcome back, everybody, to another episode of Criminals of Isla Numis. We rudely left off with a cliffhanger last time, and we are here to rectify that rudeness. But before we do that, let's go around the table and talk about who the heck we are. Uh, Dave, you always sit next to me, so who I go to. Who are you playing this time? I'm still going to be playing Maki, and he's still going to be in a bird body. Right on. Still Maki, and he's still in a bird body. That's the easy, straightforward summary. Yep. And he's probably gonna do some magic. Nice. Uh, you left off having done some magic, didn't you? You guys were all ready at the race. Yep. Maki's starting to figure out that this body's in now. It seems to have different magical abilities than his old body. Yes. Fantastic. So we'll see that kind of stuff come into play, which will be exciting. Jumping over to Quinn, aka Feather McGregor, aka lil sauce. Oh, yeah, we're in the, uh, race here, getting ready to go. Um, and, uh, yeah, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. Who are you? I know I just said who you are, but, like, give me a little bit more detail. Who? Give us a fun back. I made Sauce, and then I didn't make sauce anymore. You're a kinku. That, too. Yeah. I mean, I guess kinku. Yeah. I don't know. I just like to help people put a name to the voice and the character. All right, Jackson. Uh, I'm Jack. I play Des, who was a trident fighter turned Kanku ranger. You actually go by Jack? Sometimes. Wow. I didn't know, like, growing up, it was all Jack. It wasn't until, like, senior year of high school, I started going by Jackson. Interesting. Anyway, sorry. Um, and fun fact about, uh, Des is, um, although tridents do not have a singular tail, every now and then when he was a wee lad, he would put both of his feet together and pretend that he had a singular mermaid tail. I was just going to say, was that h 20? If he touches water. Chloe. Nar. Chloe. Cleard. Oh, my gosh. He's a merman. Fatty lumpkin. Uh, my name is Keto, and I am a studley coal bald, formerly a nerdy druid, enjoying this new lease on life and the jack side of things. There you, uh, go. And we will put that on full display during this race of the minotaurs. Are you going to be that guy that takes off all his clothes during the minotaur? Is that what you mean by full display? Yeah. Listen, letters. One every year. He's going to drag happening here. Skipping. Awesome. Uh, and finally, we've got Cameron. Hi. Oh, uh, I'm playing Rourke, formerly a dwarf, now a goblin who likes to dig, drink coffee, and can definitely read. Big three. The big three that we're all looking for in a character these days. Um, I say, what's your backstory? You say my backstory doesn't matter. I can read. I can read. I like coffee. Um, and I dig. And my parents definitely loved me. That's all you got to know. And they're a lot. That's a key thing, too. And they still love me. I can definitely read. And I can definitely 100%. He is literate. Great reader. I'm Skyler. I'm your DM. And, man, it would be awkward if I wasn't literate. Uh, let's jump into another. Oh, sorry. Do you have something new? Uh, not really, but I was just saying be impressive. If you couldn't read, you'd just be making all this up right off the top of my head. That would be pretty cool. Well, uh, whatever the case, whether I'm making it up as we go or I've got some stuff pre planned is tbd as well. And tbd happens now. Welcome back to criminals of island numis, episode eight. And as we left off, you guys had just gotten into the course. You had just entered the course for the running of the bulls. The announcer, the. The leader of the ceremonies, he had just given you the full rundown on the rules, and he stood up on the roof of the building where they were keeping their minotaurs, he counted down three, two, one, uh, pulled the lever, and nothing happens except people start running. The doors have not yet opened. But before they were about, uh, to open, or as soon as he pulled the lever, you, Rory, Cameron, you had poured out some oil in front of it and sparked your tinder box. Yeah. Which then shoots down and bursts into flames below the gate's doors. As people start to run away, you mentally count one. I just take off immediately. Oh, okay. Yeah. Light a fire and go. Uh, but you're mentally. I'm just saying dodge my head. Counting as you turn to run 2345. All of a sudden, you see, he pulls a second lever. The gates fly open, and behind the flames, you see a group of minotaur. They all look like they're ready to go and immediately pull back when they see these flames. A little surprised, unexpected. The man up, uh, on the rooftop. He doesn't see the minotaur run out because he's at kind of an awkward angle. But he would normally see them run out onto the pathway. He peeks over the roof, sees the flames, and he says, I've, um, never seen that one before, surprisingly, but it's legal. I didn't say you couldn't do it, so. All right. Interesting, lloyd by everybody sometime. All right. So as the minotaur are awkwardly trying to decide what to do, their little fear of the flames, um, is holding them back. The rest of you, these are things that you see. First of all, you see the eletrin twins, the ones that maki, you had kind of messed with, uh, and tied up the shoelaces of the one, uh, the first one, the one that didn't wear any shoes whatsoever. She immediately jumps onto all fours. As soon as the race kind of begins, she jumps onto all fours, and as she kind of does a, uh, lunge forward, she shapeshifts into a horse. The other one starts to run and then all of a sudden falls face first into the ground. He looks like he was about ready to jump and get onto her back, but unfortunately, he just face plants. The horse just keeps going, and he's left there, and he looks up and goes. Let me see if he's. She does not hear him. Continues to gallop away for quite a ways. He is left there in the dirt, picks himself up. It's frustratingly trying to retie his shoes, looking back nervously, constantly, uh, seeing the minotaurs behind him, just waiting to get past these fires. Additionally, uh, you see three hulking individuals, the ones that you guys had noticed before. There's a half orc, there's a human and there's a goliath. All of them massively muscular, almost unnaturally so. They take, as soon as the race starts, they take about five to ten steps forward, immediately turn around and just turn to face the minotaurs. They are not here to run the race. They are here to fisticuff with these freaking monsters. Uh, the two, uh, individuals that you had talked to before, Grizzletooth the bugbear and rusty, the Durgar, they are off. They're off on their feet. They're running right alongside you guys, obviously. Um, you can tell that grizzle tooth is a little bit faster because the Durgar has kind of some studier legs. But I digress. They're going. Uh, additionally, other people that you see, you see this man, only one in this entire group that seems to be wearing, I'd say maybe there's a couple of other, one of the few in this entire group that is wearing not the traditional white with the red scarf. He is instead, bless you. He is instead wearing some golden clerical robes. He has a very clean, perfectly shaped white beard underneath him. And as he runs, he has his hands clasped in some sort of prayer. It looks like he's running and praying at the same time. You see a tortle. He's wearing a purple band or no, uh, orange bandama over his head. He's also not wearing the traditional clothes. But you wonder if maybe it's probably because it's really hard to get clothes that fit a turtle, uh, because he's got the big old shell on the back. But whatever the case, he's nimbly leaping in long strides towards, uh, down the pathway. You see the air genossi. He is moving at high speeds as he has like, air that's shooting past him. It almost looks like he's flying except you can see that his feet are fully touching the ground. Uh, there's a number of other characters that are kind of moving as well. Um, I won't go through all of them, but maybe they'll come up later. You guys, as a group, you've all shot forth and you're running forward down the pathway. Um, you guys rush forward maybe about two blocks and then all of a sudden you come to kind of a wide opening as you guys come running up to this opening. Like I said, it's a wide opening. People kind of spread out a little bit. You see a couple of people that seem to kind of, like, stand off to the side. Um, whether they're worried or something, you're not 100% sure. It doesn't really matter, because right now you are focused on running this race. Right past this wide opening, there's a narrow passageway. It's an incredibly, uh, alleyway. Let's say that it's a narrow alleyway. It kind of closes in. Everybody kind of gets pushed together, and they're kind of one to one. Is there anything anybody would like to do as you guys kind of start moving towards this? Can I do, like, um, a wall jump back and forth this narrow, um, alleyway, try to get ahead a little bit? Yeah, absolutely. M do me an acrobatics check or athletics. I don't think either one kind of works. They are the same, I believe. Okay. I always appreciate when that's the case, because sometimes it's hard to decide which one. And if they're both the same, then I don't feel as bad. Wow. Indecisive. Oh, that's a 21. A 21. Holy crap. Okay, so, yeah, you leap, uh, up and start sort of ninja style, bouncing off of this wall. Interestingly enough, only one other person seems to be doing this method, and that is the turtle that I just mentioned before. He, too, also starts doing a leap off a wall, and you follow close behind him, both of you managing to get your way towards the front of the pack, uh, after that maneuver. So congratulations there. Anybody else like to do anything? Is this alleyway where everyone else has to go? Yes. Okay, so the barriers are kind of pushing you in a very specific path. Are we all just running through this? How many people are in front of us? Behind us? Yeah. What's the order? Uh, let's see. You guys are probably maybe three quarters of the way to the back. Wow. Except for Des. Uh, you are probably at the back of your group. Okay, that's fine. You with the fire, that was. As we start running through the alleyway, I'm behind them all. I'm going to pull out a bag when I see this alleyway, and I'm going to start, uh, reaching into it and throwing stuff behind me onto the ground. It's my bag of 1000 ball bearings. Oh, my God. All right, sounds good. 1000 ball bearings. Are you dumping just. Are you just constant drink? I might just be holding the ball open and just running. Oh, boy. All right, people behind you. You start to hear the sound of people going, oh, gosh. And sure enough, as you look behind you, almost everybody that was behind your group has all slipped and fallen. Um, thanks to the ball bearings. And they are now picking themselves off the ground, but they have fallen behind. And to top it off, that means that the minotaurs have caught up close, slightly closer to them, as opposed to the rest of you. And the bulbarians are for the minotaurs. Hey, Minotaur happen to step in a hole and twist an ankle? Uh, or two. Or two. Don't know because you guys have already left before, uh, you even come out. They would have had to shoot it. Peter Griffin, someone just comes up with a crossbow, just shoot them. All right. As you guys all pass through this narrow alleyway, uh, as you guys kind of run another couple of blocks forward, you come around a corner to a big, wide open area. You can actually see a ton of people past the barrier that are all watching this. They're all cheering, screaming. Uh, some of them are booing certain people as they run by. Whatever the point at me, you're just straight ahead of the table, especially Des. No, actually, uh, they're all cheering, laughing excitedly. You also hear a number of people go, look out, look out. And sure enough, just ahead of you, you see this massive construction hole. There's some signage around it that says caution hole and it's just, uh, pointing down at the ground. I wonder what there is this massive 15 x 15 foot hole in the ground blocking the pathway. Some of the people run forward, such as the turtle who I mentioned before, easily jumps right over the entire thing, lands on the other side. Nice. And keeps running off. Um, a couple of the other people are trying the horse. The horse person literally just jumps over the entire thing. There is a centaur as well, who also leaps over the entire thing. But a number of other people have reached the edge. They look over, they look into the hole. It's not a super deep hole. Um, one or two people just decide to hop. How deep is it? Uh, let's say 10ft deep, probably. There's probably like six to eight, I'd say six people standing in front of it. They're like just kind of analyzing, uh, one or two people. Some of the taller people in the group, they actually just run right past. They hop into the hole, they kind of catch the edge and lower themselves in, run to the edge, the other edge, jump up, grab it, pull themselves over. The thunderwave. Do thunderwave probably knock people into the hole? Yeah, we're on the edge. I would like to do ahead of us. You're definitely ahead of you. I've got an idea. So say somebody cast, uh, an illusion or something. To say this way, and then cover up the hole after we get through, and then we're golden. But I also want to push the people in front of us and hopefully injuring a few. All right, so I'll get to you in just a second. Yes. So, des, you're leading the pack. Ah, what is your strength? Just score, period. Um, my strength score is, uh, what you want the modifier no. 1616. Okay, so, actually, just based off DND rules, your horizontal jump is equal to your strength score. So you rush towards it, leap over, just barely, like, maybe a little bit of a foot. I mean, probably half a foot from each side is where you kind of jump from and landed on. So sure enough, you're able to jump across looking much like the turtle that jumped before you and landing on the other side. Neat. I take inspiration from Des and do the same. Okay, what's your strength? Okay, so you're able to do the same thing. Yes. Other people see you guys do this, they're very impressed. They're thinking to themselves, maybe we could do it. Some of them are starting to back up, but before they can feather McGregor, aka lil sauce, uh, you come running up towards, behind all of these people who are still kind of debating, uh, how they want to handle this obstacle. Yeah. Thunderwave. Thunderwave. You cast thunderwave. Uh, they need to make dexterity checks, I think. Yeah, if I remember correctly. Okay, that's one success. That's just getting pushed. Okay, so I'm going to say it's a 50 53 of the people slam. This wave of energy, uh, and just sort of force slams into their backs, pushing them all into, like I said, half of them into this hole, face down. Bam. Right into the ground. Um, three of them. Uh, they kind of feel it coming. I don't know what it is, but they manage to hold themselves steady. They don't fall into the hole. Uh, maybe one or two of them, like, whoa. But doesn't quite fall in, turns around, sees your group running towards them. Well, what's left of your group, which would be goblin, Dave's, Kanku, and you, Kenku. They jumped. Yeah, those two jumped. Uh, I had a question for the rules. First off, is this hole just there? And did they put barricades on the side of the hole? Yeah. Okay, what was the rule on the barricades? Uh, you cannot go over them or through them or through them. Can I climb on the side of them across this hole? As long as you don't cross it. That's the only way I see across. So, uh, Warwick's, going to just jump on the side of the barricade and just start. Like, would this be something I could just jump over? You could try. So what is your strength score plus three. No, what is the actual number? The big number? 13. Yeah, you can't make it. Yeah, short it. You would be short by about 2ft. So your strength score is equal to the number of feet that you would be able to horizontally jump. Can I just hop in, climb on the people that I knocked in and jump out? You could also try to make an athletics check to try to jump it if you're not quite, just jump in and jump out. Okay. All right. I don't think you'd have to either roll anything, but you will take a little bit of damage because I think it's one d six per ten feet. I just crawl across like him. You could do what I'm doing? Yeah, you could try what he's doing. Lead up the caboose of this train. Crawling across the slope. I cast minor illusions, uh, on the sign m and change it to say jump in hole. Okay, interesting choice for sure. For the three of you or for the rest of you that are crossing based on this, uh, fencing, can you roll me an athletics check? What about acrobatics? I think this one's like holding on. I think this one's very explicitly athletic, uh, for one over the other. It's sort of climbing in his, um, sense. Twelve. Okay, so upset. Seven. Seven. Dave Wifi is balancing 1616. Okay, so, uh, feather, McGregor, little sauce. You're leading this. No, he was. Okay, you're leading. You're right next to him. He starts to slip and he's falling off. Also, just FYI, the guard, there's a guard or, uh, referee or whatever you want to call it and he's on the other side of this fence, right? He kind of like pushes through the crowd and he sees what you guys are doing and he just leans in real close and just follows your fingertips as you guys are making your way across this fence to make sure that you don't cross the barrier because if a fingertip crosses a barrier, he's going to disqualify you. But thankfully this is pretty thick wood, um, so there's a pretty reasonable amount of space. But anyway, um, you notice that your friend is slipping and starts to fall backwards. He's completely lost his grip on this fencing. Can I reach out to save him? You can, uh, make a strength saving throw. Eight. Yeah. All right. You let go with one hand, reach out to grab him. You have two options, because it's not enough. You don't have enough strength to get both. You can either push him so that he holds on and fall back yourself, or you can let him fall and catch yourself and make sure that you don't fall. Can I make a reaction? I think you're already falling. You've made your check. Yeah, you can definitely, uh, assist in this situation. Also, uh, strength saving. All right, so what happens is feather McGregor, little sauce. Uh, you reach out to grab onto your friend. He's slipping, he's falling. You grab him, but in the process, you start losing your grip. But you hold tight. You've got your friend. You're not going to let him go, but you're falling off as well. And you're trying to push him up to grab on as well. But just as you're about to give up, uh, hope, another arm reaches out and grabs yours. And it's your friend Quill Smith. And he grabs onto your arm, and the three of you have sort of a weird, like, hanging ladder of arms and hands right now. Monkeys in a barrel. That's right. Just like the monkeys in the barrel. And then he swings and throws both of you over to the other side, and then he shimmies the rest of his way. All of you have made it across the terrifying hole in the middle of the road. Wow. Where was that from, Maki? Oh, hang on. Can I do one other thing? Okay. Well, he changed a sign to say jumping hole. Yes. So if you covered the hole, it would kind of defeat the sign. Are you doing it? No, he said jumping hole. All right. Sure enough. Yeah. The people that were behind you that were slipping all over the, uh. They're not having a good time. No, they're not having a good day. Uh, they finally reach the hole. One of them is like, okay. And he, like, hops into the hole. He's like, ow. The other two watch him do this. They're totally unaffiliated with this guy, and they're just like, why? The sign said to. That's so dumb. And, uh, they all start to make some form or whatever, whether that be climbing down and climbing out or some other means to try to cross this hole. But again, they are also slowed down a little bit. Especially the guy that jumped. He sounds like he might be injured. My leg. I like that. We're getting a little bit. They'll be like crabs in a bucket. That's right. So, you guys, another block. You're going past the building. You take a right hand, turn down kind of another narrow alleyway. Not quite as narrow. You can have maybe two to three people, shoulder to shoulder get through here. It doesn't seem super congested, whatever the case, as, ah, you come out of the corner, there's some people that are. You are alongside the wall that, uh, borders this entire city. And up on the top of this wall, you hear some laughter. And as you're moving forward, one of the guys in front of you, suddenly something comes flying down, splats onto his head. There's goop, uh, looks like yellow, maybe kind of viscous goop that kind of comes m out. Found the basement? Uh, no, this seems to be eggs. Eggs. And also, you see a couple of other handfuls of spletch, blelch, uh, tomatoes. Rotting tomatoes that also come down. You look up and you see a group of kids up on the top of this wall, and they are hurling eggs and tomatoes down on you guys, trying to hit people as they pass by, like some group of tuscan raiders or something. Um, you All, I need you to. What was the rule on weapons? You're not supposed to use them. On who? On a shield, except on a who. It said, period. It was an overarching statement. I need everybody to make a dexterity saving throw as you try to pull the shield off my back. Oh, that's a good idea. Okay. I won't proceed with your. Yeah, you roll. Five. Okay. You don't have to roll, Nick. You're blocking it. A good thing. 25. 25. Okay. You easily dodge, roll. I mean, you don't even dodge and roll. I'm just small. And as it's coming down, like you're seeing where they're falling and just navigating accordingly, it is no problem for you. Fantastic 13. Fantastic. Mr. Fox, you want to know how to get through there? Some, um, little dead. You easily also managed to maneuver and dodge out of the way. Uh, no problem. There's a couple of close calls, but sure enough, you managed to exit out of this kind of session with no tomato or egg on you. Let's, uh, see, Dave, 1919. Okay, same thing goes for you. You easily dodge out. You don't even get any on your feet. Uh, that's how nimble and capable Dez and keto are. Probably a little bit ahead of us, aren't they? Because they've just a little bit climbed the hole, and then we all kind of waited a little bit for everybody to kind of kept going. I figured they wouldn't. No need. We all make the money together. At the end of the day. Right. All right. Des, on the other hand, what did you roll again or. Sorry, not Dez. Sorry. Uh, five. A five. Okay. As you're running all of a sudden, tomato. You can smell it as it comes down. Having worked with tomatoes for so long, making your sauces and such, you smell this tomato as it flies towards you. It is not a good tomato. It is a bad tomato. It is a mean tomato. And it slams right into your face. You are blinded as this goop gets into your eyes. The acidity, when the tomato starts to sting your eyes, gets up your nose. Hear him say that? Help me. I turn around and run back, uh, and I see his face. I grab his hand, and I start pulling him through. Sorry. The kid now targeting you extra. You are pelted with eggs in addition. I can't dodge for him. You can't dodge for fog cloud. Where are you casting it? Above him, I guess around me, I think it's got, like, probably a 30 foot range. I mean, there's no way those kids are throwing those, like, 30ft accurately. Well, maybe straight down, right? That's what I'm saying. This is above us, right? Zigzag. I'm just saying, if you're serpenting. Fog cloud is a 20 foot radius, sphere of fog centered on a point within range. Holy cow. The range is, like, 120ft. Okay, do you want to just test it on the wall where the kids are? Yeah, just catch it up on those. Okay. Can't you see it? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You cast fog clouds. Boom. Huge poof. It just, like, erupts all of a sudden, right in the middle of all of them. It's like one of the eggs went off, and it's just, like, stanky, and it's got this cloud, poof. This 20 foot radius, uh, cloud of, uh, fog just erupts, uh, around these kids, and they're all shouting, oh, jeez. We throw an egg there. I don't know. Throw it over there. You call me with some egg, I'm going to get you with egg. Next thing you know, they're just blindly curling eggs and rotten tomatoes at each other. Now, um, but you are now safe. You wipe the stuff off your eyes. You're not as blinded. Your eyes still hurt, though. But whatever the case, you have made it past the danger zone of eggs and tomatoes. The order continues. Um, Dave, I think you would have overtaken Cameron and Quinn a little bit just while they were dealing with the egg situation. But whatever the case, that is the order. You guys come around the corner, you immediately take a straight shot down the street, um, away from the wall that borders the city. Kind of a really nice, just, like, long, straightboard shot. We're talking like, maybe four or five blocks that you just get to fully sprint, but you do start to hear the sound of heavy hooves coming from behind you.
Speaker C: As you know that the minotaur are.
Speaker B: Starting to catch up to the group, you wonder if the people that used to be behind you kind of further back, especially the one that jumped down the hole foolishly. Uh, who knows? He might have exited or he might have been overtaken by the Minotaur. You're not sure, but you doubt that he's gotten past them or that he's running directly ahead of them. Whatever the case, as you guys are sprinting down this way, Jackson, you, Des, would be the first to see this, given that you're leading the pack. But a little child runs onto the track, crosses over the barrier, into the pathway, and seems to be chasing what looks like a little ball that's bouncing and rolling, goes, oh, my ball muffle. He's getting a y. You want an or? And again, he is on the course at the moment, and nobody seems to be stopping him. And remember, we are allowed to kill.
Speaker C: Hey, everyone. Skyler here. Are you a fan of session zero heroes and the shows we produce or the characters involved?
Speaker B: Then you should check out our epic.
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Speaker B: Uh, I've had a few ideas. How big do you think is it? Like a little, little kid? Like a four year old? Yeah. All right, I'm going to just palm his head like a basketball, toss it back over the railing. Okay. He's a tiny kid. That was kind of more just a scenario just to see what you guys did, to be honest with you. So, uh, I suppose I'm not disappointed. I'm leaving ball in the area. I think that kid's dead. It was a four. Normal human being, like a dull ass. Hey, it's everything getting trampled. I think. And worst of all, he's disqualified. Yeah, runs over. Disqualified movie got one of those. All right, well, like I said, that was just sort of a moral dilemma. I wanted to see head. Did you handle it well? Didn't even break a stride. She straight up, step, arms, runs up, back over the pin, save the kid, we'll never know really what is going on over there. You just see this ball rolling movies and, like, something happens and they don't show the death off screen. You just see the ball roll, you grab it, Chuck. The ball slowly rolls and hits the kid's feet pop up. All right, well, that was interesting anyways, wasn't there? Yeah. No, not a kid. Instead. And you find a large brick wall that stands right in the middle of the path, blocking both sides. You hear laughter from the other side and you hear somebody just shout out, try to get past that, losers. So, uh, who's all stuck there? Oh, sorry. How many people are stuck? Uh, the horse, the centaur, the people that are leading the pack, they're both stuck there. Vertical jumps, not their thing. Turtle is also there. He's analyzing it and he's looking around to try to see if there's anything. Kind of like. He's thinking, maybe I could jump off of that. No, that's not going to work, dude. Let's see here. He's just kind of mumbling to himself as he kind of, like, looks around the area. This is a real tricky one right here it is. Is this part of the race or. It's another contestant? It kind of sounds like another contestant might have put it up there based on the laughter of. Yeah, take that, losers. It sounds like they're on the other side of the wall, right? Yeah, they've been at the wall. No, they're ahead of us. We just see a wall, uh, 15ft tall. Done. Can I get a plan? Okay, you're right behind him. Can I just have to crawl it like Spiderman? Uh, you can try. We can use each other as a shield. Okay. You're gonna do the whole, like, Captain America thing where he holds it as a platform and then launch. I jump on it, and then I happen to have some rope. Nice. Okay, do that karate thing where you guys both run up each other's feet. Just imagine we're using our own invisible force. Ah, I love it. Okay, so what do you actually officially do? We can do that springboard thing. Okay, I'll hold up your shield. You jump, I'll push the shield. Yeah. Okay, so I see what you're saying. Okay. Yeah, very Captain America. Awesome. All right, so what I'll do is I'll have you make an athletics check, but I'll make it at, ah, advantage since he's assisting you. Okay, but athletics? Yes, it, uh, was, uh, nine. A nine. Okay, so, uh, he gets ready. He gets the shield ready. He's crouched down. He's ready to push up. You rush forward, you jump onto the shield. Everything seems like it's going well. He pushes up, and as he does, your foot slips on the shield a little bit. Uh, maybe there's, like, a piece of metal that kind of, like, holds the shield together, and you're putting. Just happened to step on that. Maybe there's just a little slick or whatever. The eggs. The eggs. It's a slick shield because of the egg flick ever so slightly as he pushes you up into the air, causing you to kind of just angle straight towards the wall. As you brace yourself to slam into this instead, you go right through it. Okay. And land on the other side. As you turn, the wall still is there. Everything seems completely untouched. When you realize just to throw the kids ball at it. And of course, seeing this, the other people on the other side start to just run straight through it. Of course, most of them still react by putting their hands up. Like, it's just kind of unnatural to run straight at a wall. Your brain doesn't really want you to just do that. So they throw their hands up for protection, but sure enough, they pass through the wall. Did we catch up to them in this time? Um, I think, yeah, probably for the most part. I mean, they might still be, like, first and second, but you guys are pretty close in the line at this point. Can I last sue the horse? Yeah, sure, go for it. You got rope, I assume? Oh, yeah. All right. Uh, and Alasu the boot. I'm a cowboy, baby. I'm going to say make a. Well, it would be a grapple, essentially. So you're going to make a strength, contested. Oh, no, I just want to triple. I don't care about. All right, shoot. Is that ranged? Let's say it's a ranged attack. Okay. Yeah. 1515. All right. Yeah. You throw this lassoo, straightforward, wraps around the back legs of this horse, and sure enough, it kind of stumbles and falls. The horse actually changes out of shape as you find you have a teenage Eldrin elf now kind of tied, uh, up by the ankles, and she looks around and goes, where's my brother? He's here. Wait a minute. He's not even here. Where the heck is my brother, he's there. And then I want to take his voice and be like, call out for his. What was his sister's name? You don't know, but he was yelling at. He was saying sister or just said, all right, uh, do a, uh, performance with advantage. Wouldn't I be a mimic? You abandoned me. You abandoned me. I perished. You get with advantage because you are using advantage. Okay, so two d twenty s, and then. Yeah, for plus what, uh, performance? 19. Oh, that's. The 19 is definitely high enough. She goes, Jinx, he's alive, James. And she just starts running backwards down the track to go and find her brother. Uh, I want to go up to the wall. Would the people who put up the wall still be locked on the other side? Whoever it was kept running. Okay, he got up and over. Yes. Just keep going. And I'm just going to run right through the wall. Yeah. Um, pulling my rope with me. It's illusory wall. You watch him just, like, phase right through it. Oh, it's not a real wall. No, it's not even a real wall. Yeah, keep on, keep going. All right, sounds good. All right, you all make it through my. As, uh, uh, they say in the adventure zone. My wall puzzle. My wall puzzle. And I test minor illusion to create another fake wall about 3ft behind the. Just enough space to be. I use my incredible masonry skills to build a real wall. Oh, my gosh. We got walls all over the place. All right, as you guys running forward once, shame on you. Pull me twice. Shame on me. Pull me three times. Ouch. That hurt. All right, you guys make your way forward. Uh, you continue down. It's kind of just a long stretch at this point. You can actually even see the ending of the race. As you guys come around this corner. As you come around this corner. Wait, what competition do we have left? Yes. Uh, let's see. All right, so, yes, the people you see ahead of you, um, there's a tall person. He seems human. He's wearing a strange hat. He's one of the few that aren't wearing the costume. Um, but as he runs, he sort of clanks in a strange, kind of unnatural way. Um, the turtle is in front of you. Sorry. The guy that's clanking, he's kind of roughly like with you guys to some extent. He hasn't gotten, like, ahead super far. The turtle, the centaur. And then you see, uh, an orc with long, black kind of wavy hair. It's all kind of, like, messy or whatever. And you notice that he's got, like, face paint all over him. He's got, like, a star over one eye and all kind of other stuff that's, like, all over him. Um, he wears, like, all black. He looks very metal. He's the only one that you assume. Unless the centaur might have been the person that did it. But he's the only one that you assume might, uh, have been the one to cast the spell. How far ahead of us Daz did pass? Not that far. Did pass the turtle. Oh, yeah. So turtle is running, like, roughly with you guys as well. So Daz is in third? Yes. Okay. We just need a prize. Wine. We don't matter who finishes. Three of us finish. That's maximum winning. No, we're going to lose. If only I could run a little bit faster. Uh, and he digs deep within himself. Digging. I can do that. And finds a magical reserve of energy, uh, quickly coursing through his body. And that feeling spreads out to his limbs and his arms, and they begin to pump faster. He would be a little bit behind us, his little bird arms with us, and legs start pumping, leading you and. Yeah, can I be like, take me with you and jump on his back? He just zips away, ruins a moment. Peter noss. Sorry. I cast expedious retreat, uh, expeditious retreat, which allows me to take a bonus action to dash on each of my turns. All right, situation. Yeah, there's more running. So, uh, sure enough, you feel this energy well up m inside of you. You feel your legs, all of the, uh, exhaustion and the amino acids or whatever the science is just kind of flushes. You don't feel it anymore. Feel like you just woke up and you have all the energy in the world and start to move a little faster. A little faster and a little faster. And sure enough. And you start to catch up. My arms go back. Look at him go. And, uh, you shout out on your left. Ah. And you shoot past, uh, the centaur, and you start to run up. And you're catching up to the orc guy who's leading the pack currently because he was probably the one that cast the spell, as far as you assume. And you start to catch up to him. So you're making your way up to him. The rest of you guys see him kind of shoot past all of you because you were literally, like, at the back of the pack. So now you're rushing up towards second. Um, anybody else doing anything in particular question? Yeah, we'll let you go first. Okay, about hail of thorns. Um, does it need to be a bow and arrow? Could it be because it says ranged attack or ammunition? Okay, could I just either throw a rock or a lasso and cast hail of thorns? And now I just have, like, 50 lassos. Okay, just grab the guy in front or pull him back, make him trip. Sure. Yeah. I'd say the lasso makes probably the most amount of sense. I think that's what I'd like to do. Tactical teamwork, isn't it? Aoe? You have tactical teamwork because you have two guys ahead of you. Tell me what tactical teamwork does. Uh, so when a creature you can see within 30ft makes an attack roll against another creature that is within 5ft of you, assuming at this point it's des, and I, uh, use your reaction to grant advantage on their attack roll. Look at that. Uh, okay, so, uh, tell me what you're doing to give him this advantage. Who are you aiming for? Anyone specific with this? The nearest person to you would be the centaur, if that's who you want to target with this dead? Yeah, I think the closest to me, the centaur falling would probably be more beneficial. Yeah. Okay, sounds good. So then I ask you, theo, so what is he actually doing? He's pulling out a whiff and he's spinning it in the air. And as he does, uh, it starts to turn green and it starts to become thorny and it starts to kind of. You see an occasional thorn or thistle that kind of, like, shoots off of it as he starts to prepare the spell. I think I'm going to go the heckle route and just start yelling, hey, you pack mule your, uh, horse's ass. And hopefully one of these is going to get. All right, turn around. I like it. Okay, sounds good. Yeah, she definitely seems intended. She turns, which distracts her from the road immediately ahead of her. And then, dez, you're going to do this, uh, attack. So you're going to do it as a ranged weapon attack, essentially. With advantage? Yes, with advantage. Okay, we'll do that. 21. 21. Holy crap. Yeah, you throw this lasso on. Um, it catches her, like, over the neck. I mean, it goes, like, over her head, hits her shoulders. So tell me a little bit about what this, uh, thorn situation. Uh, well, I would assume it would bring her to the ground. Yes. And then she would take one, uh, d. Ten of piercing damage. Okay. Yeah, go for it. Let's roll. And just kind of, you m know what? Let's, uh, make her suffer. Oh, gosh. A little bit. Yeah. Seven damage. Seven damage. All right, so you sling this lasso over. It catches her right around the shoulders. It pulls her arms in. She loses balance as you give it a nice tug as you're running. And she goes flying kind of backwards, sideways a little bit, hits the ground. Obviously, her shoulder goes into some of these thorns that were part of this whole whip situation in the first place. Um, she screams out. That was a weird scream. And then as you guys rush past her, she goes, I'm so close. I don't know what you do with the whip out words. So at least two of us are in the top. How close are they to the finish line? Uh, oh, yes, there is probably one, two, three. So that'd be about, uh, probably about 90ft left. How far is the Orc from us? Probably me and feather. Oh, from you guys? Probably about 20ft. Perfect. I'm going to say the feather. I'm going to say, well, I'm not going to win this race, so I'm going to make sure we can get the top three. And I'm just going to. Roy's just going to stop, pull out a short boat and just start shooting at the. That makes sense. Okay, roll an attack. Roll, then 18. Surprised because if so, I get my sneak attack. The interesting thing about it is he's surprised because I believe with sneak attack, if, like, an ally is within 5ft. Oh, yeah. You, Dave, you're running. That is twelve damage. Mind you, I was aiming for hit. So if you could take the damage to be more, um, accurate than I was aiming for his leg, just to trip. Yeah, I didn't want to kill. No, that's fair. I just wanted to destroy the knockout. So, as you're firing, as you release this arrow, you see a yellow, like, tufted ball come flying out and it hits you in the face just as you release the arrow. And you can hear in the distance, um, did I. The arrow has already been released, and it flies forward and slams into this guy's leg. And he goes, Dave, you're running right next to him. And you just hear you're running right next to him. It's like a really intense race right now. All of a sudden, he just, boom. Face, you just see him fall behind you. Uh, all right. As you look backwards, see your friend holding the bow? There's already a guard that, yeah, I'm going to start running to the opposite. I'm going to run to the opposite, jump over the barricade and just start taking off. And he's like, all right, so, um, you've been disqualified, but you've also, given your allies a chance at possibly winning, uh, well, you're neck and neck with Des. I probably overtook him since he was holding the centaur, actually. Yeah, I was going to say. Sorry. Yeah. Dan. Uh, uh, keto and then death. So those are the top, and then, uh, feather. That's the order. Right now. You're like, right, next turtle is, like, right alongside you, being both got. Nice job, man. Not yet, no. Uh, nearing the end. Just take out the toys. Literally the last breath left. Can I just, like, turn on cold? So it's an unarmed attack. It'll be using your. Actually, it might be labeled on there. Unarmed attack or unarmed strike. Uh, wherever your weapons are and your attacks are listed. Like how our party, okay, was big enough that we could make sure we get top three and then just play defense, whatever your strength modifier is. So. What's that? What's your strength modifier? The plus whatever on your strength. My whole goal was never to win. It was literally just to support you guys, to win for me, because I knew I get a surprise. I know I'm the slowest member of the crew. No, I wouldn't say there's a surprise attack, but, uh, 1818. Okay, yeah, plus trying to kill strength. So four. Yeah. Okay. So he's like, oh, nice, dude. Nice race. Congratulations. That's all I'm going to do. I'm going to do a dexterity saving throw for him. Oh, yeah. He falls, completely unexpecting it. You punch him. Oh, not cool. Dude falls backwards. He's on his shell. He's like, oh, no, not the shell. He's just, like, wiggling around, trying to get himself off. Um, because he's landed backwards on his shell, and he's kind of just stuck there like turtles are. I feel bad, but I just keep going. Okay. All right, sounds good. Um, you keep running as you guys are all making it towards the finish line. You can see it in the distance. You're almost there. You look behind you. You see the few remaining members. The guy with the golden priest robes, he's ways back behind you, but he's still up and running. You see the Argentinassi. He's also kind of, like, pretty close by. He's probably just slightly ahead of the clerical. The only guy that's left that was kind of close was that metal, robotic, clunky. So the clunky guy is just behind you. The other ones are far enough back, and also just behind them, you can see three of the Minotaur chasing right after them. So the minotaur just behind them, uh, coming up on their rears, the clunky guy who's probably the only last competition, per se, left. You hear suddenly something, uh, because he's kind of close to you. Uh, feather. Uh, you hear something inside him start to whir, and it starts to work faster and faster, and you see, uh, steam come shooting out of his nostrils. And he goes, and his footsteps start to get heavier as he starts to suddenly start to, uh, get a little bit faster and starts making up ground. As you guys are all making it towards the finish line, you see a, uh, barrel, massive barrel, fall from m one of the rooftops, of course, slam into the ground, um, the last obstacle of the race, as a bunch of banana peels go scattering everywhere. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw. I'm really good at these. Can I utilize my pack tactic? Nat 20. I might win this rage 16. All right, that makes it. I've got. Can I utilize pack tactic? Tell me. Good thing matter. Good thing I ditched this race. Another next 113. That's actually. Oh, that's just shy. Okay, you leading the pack. See these at the last second, I mean, the other ones are slightly behind you. They don't see it quite in time. This thing slams down, one of the bananas flies out. You can feel yourself starting to fall. The other two of you come running and shoot past him as if those banana peels aren't even there. Uh, feather, you're coming up behind. Um, you see the bananas. You're not too worried about it, but you do see your friends starting to reach out and grab them. Yes. Uh, I'll do another strength saving throw since you're catching him. Uh, 1616. Okay, yeah, he catches you, keeps you from falling and falling prone. The two of you are still on your feet. I'm going to let you guys decide how you want it, because you guys are basically, technically competing for third place at the moment. So I'll let you guys decide that. But really quick. What's that? He wins. Well, really quick, before you do that, the big, clunky guy, heavy footsteps. Uh, you can tell that his feet are, like, digging into the ground and pushing back, which is allowing him that extra amount of speed. But with that over amount of commitment, does not go well with slippery bananas. He steps on a particularly slippery spot. An entire body goes flying up in the air like some kind of ridiculous moment of somebody slipping on the ice. Uh, he flies backwards, his hat shooting off. He has a completely bald head, and you can see the sun hitting it and reflecting off of it. It's incredibly shiny. Probably is blinding the people immediately behind him, but he crashes down, causing the whole ground underneath you to shake a little bit. You see banana peels in an entire, like, five foot radius around this man. He's so heavy. When he hits the ground, they all fly up into the air and then fall back down. You two, you're both on your feet. You've caught each other, you've helped each other. You're racing towards, uh, dead. You cross the finish line. First place. I think I was. Oh, you were first. You were first. Okay, keto. First place. Second place. Yes. You two, well, you get special. There's still a good 15 to 20ft between you and the next participants, and then the minotaurs directly behind them. You start racing towards the finish line, but you're basically neck and neck. I just like, kind of like you slow down. No, we're just running. I just kind, uh, of queen. Shove him injured. Awesome. All right, in a show of friendship, uh, you push your friend Quill Smith across the finish line, giving him third place. You coming in fourth. As you guys are all crossing the finish line for this race, there are referees that immediately call you over to the side. They look very urgent. Get out of the way. Get out of the way. All right, so you go off to the sides as you do. They do this to everybody who comes through. So the clerical guy and the air genossi, eventually the robot dude, he picks himself up, but he might have already been overtaken by the minotaurs. Whatever the case, the three minotaurs, they come running through and they just kind of charge straight. They just go straight. So obviously, you guys are off to the side. They run straight. They slam into a wall that has a big cage that comes down and blocks them from getting out. G-E-N-A-S-I believe. Awesome. All right, you guys have completed the running of the Minotaur. There are a bunch of people on the outside. They're all cheering, they're all screaming, excited or whatever. Um, as you guys are kind of like, they kind of just tell you guys to wait for a little bit. As you guys are waiting, there's a few other participants that come by. You see the centaur and you see the Eladrin, and she's got her brother with her. At this point, everybody that comes in after this point is looking kind of rough. And then every once in a while, a minotaur will come rushing through and they kind of like. Because they're like single minotaurs and they're kind of like just chasing after a specific person. The guards kind of have to run over. They throw nets, they use prods or whatever to get them into the cage with the rest of them. Um, whatever the case, eventually all six minotaur which were to be released are all, uh, captured. And all of the remaining participants, uh, who didn't just leave or whatever the case, come, uh, across the finish line. Anyone that was behind, uh, looks pretty rough for sure, but you guys are all fine. You guys made it through. As you guys are called over for the big ceremony, uh, they have kind of one of those like olympic style with the steps. So 1st, 2nd, 3rd, keto, you are put on the first place block. Dez, you're put on the second place block. And maki. Yep. You're put on the third place block. Um, they award each of you. So here are your prizes. First place, which goes to keto, you get 5000 gold pieces. Wow. And the helm of the minotaur. Interesting. It is a, uh, rare, magical item. It's a helmet. It's got big old horns that come out of it. It's got kind of a slit because it kind of like comes over your eyes. It's got a little slit that shows out. Um, essentially it gives you, uh, a plus one to Ac while you're wearing it. And additionally you get the ability to do a headbutt charge. Wow. Uh, basically, if you move at least 20ft straight towards the creature and you hit it with an unarmed strike, you can use your helmet. It gives you kind of a bonus to melee. Yeah, actually it is very good. Um, in second place, des, you're given a sack with 3000 gold pieces and they, uh, kind of look at you because you're kind of small for a second there. And they're like, I don't know, you got this. And they pull out this giant, two like double sided great axe. Yeah, it is the great axe of the minotaur. It's a two handed weapon. It's uncommon as far as weapons go. Um, it deals two d ten slashing damage on a hit. Wow. And here's the awkward, um, part. Only large creatures or larger can wield it. Darn. And it gives you an extension reach of 5ft. So whatever you decide to do with it. Are any of us large creatures? I don't think any of us are large creatures. I mean, kenku are average, right? There's a feat that might let you hold on to, um, larger weapons. So, um, they also tell you, they say, oh, by the way, the command word for it is, uh, megator. Oh, that's why. Okay, real quick. So it actually shrinks. It's a normal grade axe. And then when they tell you the command word, I don't know if you want to try it, but when you try it and you say megatar, the thing, like, extends an extra 5ft, becomes longer, bigger. That's when you can only do. Got you the extended reach. But otherwise. And that's when it does. The theory, if I threw it and said, megator, that's a good idea. Okay. But otherwise, you can still wield it as just the regular form. It'll just do the regular, right? Yes. One d twelve until. I think it's one d ten. Is it twelve if you have it extended? Okay. Yeah. The one version you like, chuck it to an enemy, and they catch it and say the word and it just goes. That's another good way of using it. And then you just frisbee it. Um, megator. And it cuts the guy in half. That would be dope. That'd be Brad. All right, perfect. And then, uh, maki. In third place, you're given a sack with a thousand gold pieces inside of it, and you're giving a small vial with a. Sorry, a brown liquid inside. And on it, there's a little sticker of what looks like kind of a bowl's head. And they tell you, they say, uh, make sure you use this responsibly. Uh, we are in no way responsible for any ways that you might use this potion in the future. But, uh, just so you know, it's a potion of minotaur strength. If you drink it, it's going to give you a plus three. Well, uh, they don't say plus three, but basically, if you drink, it'll give you a plus three to all strength based rolls and strength saving throws for an hour. Uh, I shouldn't drink it, not at the moment, but at some point in. Thankfully, he didn't win it because he just be like, I'm quite thirsty, thanks. I was quite parched. Shoulder checks a wall and it just shatters. Better. You are given a bronze medal to commemorate your participation in successful crossing of the finish line. I have a question from our elevated pedestal. Where do we see our good friend fizzle? Fingers fizzle in the crowd? Um, do a perception check. I can answer it. I was going to say, I don't know, 1919? Okay. No. Okay, well, you very. There. Well, can tell that he is not in the crowd. You're not sure where he's at. As the ceremonies are kind of coming. Prison, running around naked always one's a little happy about it. As you guys are finishing the sort of award ceremony section, there's a big stage, and, uh, the orc guy that you shot with a bow and arrow, he comes limping in. Uh, somebody pulls the arrow out of his leg. And then they hand him a potion. Uh, it looks like some kind of, like, goth sort of punk chick. Uh, she hands him a potion. You see the injury on his leg heal up. He looks over to your group, he gives you the middle finger. And then he walks up to the stage, and he and the chick and a group of other people all start taking up instruments, and they all start playing music. Uh, uh, they are the band for this kind of closing afterwards ceremony. And, uh, as he steps up there, there's another guy that actually is kind of like the forerunner for this band. He's the lead singer. Uh, he is an ASMR, I believe that's right. Excuse me. That's kind of ASMR. ASmr. He is an ASMR. No, he is an ASMR. Um, he's sort of like a dark angel esque kind of a character. He's got these black wings that come out of his back. He has kind of this very deep tan skin. Um, and he says, what's up, everybody? This is iron forge, and we're here to play for you guys. If you enjoyed our music, make sure to support us come to our concerts. We'll be playing at the battle wagons race. We'll be in the battle wagons race, uh, on our mobile stage. Heavy metal. But for now, enjoy. Our music starts playing this kind of, like, hard rock, heavy metal kind of a type of music. Is, uh, there anything else you guys are wanting to do before you leave the area? I don't know. Whatever you're going to go off to next, I won't get into that. But is there anything you'd like to do before that? We need a place to store all the money, so I think we should just head back to the house. Yeah, we should just go back and store it. M can we take count of all the gold that we got? So it should be 10,000 total, I think. Right? Okay. Yeah. Plus what we already. All right, perfect. So you guys take your winnings, you head out, um, you wave a goodbye to rusty and his budy grizzletooth. Um, maybe you'll see them at the rock bottom. Maybe not. Oh, yeah, he was fine. You just punched him. Well, it was pretty minimal, but he looks like somebody that took a hit before. He kind of, like, gives you a nod, but he also just doesn't look super happy about it. But whatever the case, do you think they understand? Uh, you've definitely made a couple of friends during this race. Probably a lot more enemies. Uh, additionally, we leave things with, uh, that note that feather McGregor had received from the captain of the sort of secret y police group that he is a part of about wanting to see him immediately. So we'll have to come back to that. Can I say one thing about that? Sure. No. Can I pull it out? Yeah. And be like, guys, I got this note. This is from my former, I want to say former captain. You guys up for a little fun? There might be involved. I'm sure he has some money. All right, let's go pay my budy a visit. Yeah, the race ended, but they didn't say we had to stop killing people. And with that, we'll close out this episode of Criminals of Isla New Miss.
Speaker C: Thank you so much for listening to Criminals of Isla numis, a dudge and Dragons fifth edition actual play podcast set in a homebrew world created by me, Skyler Gorset. If you've been enjoying our show so far, be sure to, like, follow and subscribe wherever it is that you're streaming from, whether that be Spotify, Apple podcasts, YouTube, or anywhere else that podcasts can be streamed. Or just check us out on our website, sessionseroheroes.com. Additionally, if you enjoy coin, you might enjoy some of session zero heroes, other shows such as our benders and brews and avatar Legends actual play, where we jump into the world of Avatar, the last Airbender and Legend of Korra using the Avatar Legends system created by magpie Games or one of our various one shots which we are currently coming out with, where we use a variety of games and TTRBG systems to tell a variety of fun, exciting, emotional, and hilarious stories. Within our group, we have all sorts of other content that we highly recommend checking out within the SDH channel, and more to come in the future. To find out more about what we do at Session Zero Heroes and to keep up with a lot of the other content we produce and be made aware of, uh, future projects, shows, and content, be sure to follow us on social media, on Facebook, X, Instagram, and Discord.
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Speaker B: Heroic until we roll again.